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My eye problems starts on Mondays and ends on Friday evening. I see clearer after the fourth bottle.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn`t hire stupid people......
When people tell me "you`re going to regret that in the morning" I sleep in until noon because I`m a problem solver
If at first you don´t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions Note to self...avoid good intentions at all costs.
Why is there a Stairway to heaven and a highway to hell? There is a lot more traffic going to hell
How to cure a headache: 1. Drink a glass of water. 2. Take 10 deep breathes. 3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
Son: am I adopted? Me: not yet, but we`re hopeful.
I taught my wife everything she knows about male stupidity.
If you think someone is staring at you: 1. Yawn 2. If they yawn, they were staring.
My wife is a sex object. Every time I want to have sex, she’ll object.
Happy Fathers Day from your handsomerist and smarterist son
I can`t go to sleep if any of my apps need to be updated, but will drive my car with the check engine light until it explodes.
Fun Game: Walk down a hallway with both arms outstretched to the walls while shouting, "Hug me or turn around!!!"
My Tupperware lids and single socks are chilling somewhere laughing at me.