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Is life fair? Short answer, no. Long answer, nooooooo.
When I die I want my body donated to science, but more specifically a scientist who is working on bringing dead guys back to life…
I won the Twister contest hands-down.
Walking past a new employee`s desk & yelling, "Do you think it`s a good idea to be surfing porn on your first day?" will never get old.
My wife went home to visit her mother today. Or as I refer to it. Her “bitch refresher course”.
The only thing actually impossible in life is taking a picture for a group of women and having ALL of them like it.
If someone says “you’re funny” instead of laughing, you’re not.
I`m holding cheerleader tryouts for my fantasy football team
If the universe didn`t want me to eat four pop-tarts for breakfast I wouldn`t have four slots on my toaster...
If I could turn snarky sarcasm into a paying job, I could be employed for infinity.
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is that you`re stupid and make bad decisions.
thinks it would be great if we really burped bubbles when we were drunk .. just like in cartoons.
I`d say that most of my mistakes can be traced back to when I decided to get out of bed. ... just sayin! ;)
At least a stalker is there for you.
Kids teach you so many life lessons. Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.