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If I was a mortician I`d tie the shoe laces of dead people together, so if there ever was a zombie apocalypse it would be hilarious.
If you ever Google "Grandfather Clock", be careful how you spell that sh!t.
What do sleeping and sex have in common? ... I`m not getting nearly enough of either.
That moment when you’re talking to yourself and you smile like an idiot, because you’re just so hilarious.
anyone celebrating anything today? Anything at all... doesn`t matter what. I just need something to drink to.
There’s actually a thing called “Play Dates “ in 2018. In 1984 we called that “Going outside to play”
I remember 2012 like it was yesterday.
A homeless guy asked me for 50 cents for a sandwich. I said, "First let me see the sandwich."
Johnny : Pull my finger Tommy : No Johnny: "Come Bro Do IT!!" Tommy : fine ... Johnny : *SNEEZE IN THE FACE*
If she burns the bacon, she`s no good bro
I`d divorce my wife but I never want to see her that happy!
Just finished building Rome with Legos. Took me a day.
You`re more inbred than sandwhich filler.
When someone rings the doorbell, why do dogs always assume it´s for them?
The new iPhone will have a finger print scanner. Or, in other words, Apple is about to amass the largest database of biometric data in the world. I’m sure the people of NSA are dancing like little school girls right now.