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It`s real cute how pedestrians confuse "right of way" with immortality.
Sometimes my neighbors love my music so much that they invite the police to listen.
Ever been completely out of toilet paper that you send your kid next door to get some? Me neither, I just like to embarrass my kid.
That awkward moment when your sarcasm is so advanced people think you`re stupid.
Meditation never worked for me, so I tried something even better..."Beditation"! You lay down close your eyes and you wake up an hour and a half later!
Dear college students, Sorry about your GPA. - Netflix
Sometimes I wish I was full of pizza instead of emotions.
I once peed a girl`s name in the snow, so don`t fcuking tell me I don`t know romance.
Only 2 phrases can change a woman’s mood: ”I Love You” and ”50% Off”.
Who the hell invented Bull Riding? "Hey, I`m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal...Time me!!!"
Having a favorite homeless person is weird, right?
Do crabs think we walk sideways?
Saying something stupid and thinking “Yeah, that sounded way better in my head"
How about a cooking show called "Cookin crap in the Microwave".
I hate people who take drugs ... Customs for example.