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St. Patricks day is the only time you can ask somebody in public,"Do you want some green" without you looking suspect.
Wow.. I didn`t know spandex could hold that much.
FACT: The "sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don`t" is not really a good defense in court
If a girl texts you and asks if you think she`s fat and you try to respond "Nooo" autocorrect changes it to "Moo" so that`s pretty cool.
Girls are funny creatures. They hate it when you ask their age but will kill you if you forget their birthday.
Fact: Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
I followed my heart...Now I`m at the liquor store.
Weird that we don`t see more pants on fire
The worst about the weekend?? The ending part.
I thought I was losing weight, but it turned out my sweatpants had come untied.
Ya .... That Supermoon was OK ..... But I was quite disappointed when I realized it didn`t even have a cape.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don`t really like any of them.
Note to self: you never read these notes so stop writing them.
Reaching under the couch for something is the closest I’ll ever get to yoga.
Once my ex knocked on my door & then shouted that it was her, so I texted “im not home” then seconds later I texted “if u happen to be here”