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I always say, "morning." Instead of, "good morning." If it were a good morning, I would still be asleep in bed instead of talking to people.
Cashiers are always checking me out.
It`s so hard to find obedient minions
If you ever want to watch a women feel herself up for ten minutes, hide her cellphone.
You think your life is bad? I’ve got that “Five dollar foot long” song stuck in my head
Maybe there`s no such thing as automatic doors, just gentlemen ninjas.
If you’ve never pretended a Cheeto is a tiny caveman club, we can’t be friends.
Somebody told me I need adult supervision. I was like "I Know!" It would be awesome to be able to see through walls and shoot lasers out my eyes.
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
Always believe a woman when she says: “You don`t want to know!”
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
If you could have one super power would you pick flying, invisibility, or falling asleep without questioning every decision you`ve ever made
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won`t send my dog to obedience school
It’s not a nap unless your face wakes up in a puddle of your own drool.
If a cop ever asks me to count from 100 backwards ...I just get in the back seat