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For Valentine`s Day my wife wanted to.... well, you know. It started with her handcuffing me to the bed. And for three solid hours she watched whatever she wanted on television
I`m not allowed to have any energy drinks until all the cat`s hair grows back.
Everybody says waking up at 5 in the morning to exercise makes you feel great but I think lying in bed for another 2 hours feels better.
When girls wear yoga pants I feel like a ghost from Mario. Uncontrollably attracted when they turn away, but frozen when they look at me.
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5`9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
Why do I get the feeling that a lot of you are using Facebook as a substitution for prescription meds?
Whenever someone invites me to their home and I see more than 3 cars parked outside, I keep driving just in case it`s an intervention.
Don`t believe everything you think.
I don`t want to set the world on fire........just you.
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
My "check engine" light came on while driving to work this morning. I looked and the engine is still there...silly light.
I was stood in front of the mirror last night, admiring my six pack. Then it occurred to me, why the f*ck am I not drinking it?
Ever drink so much your wife makes sense? Me neither...But I keep trying
I guess I need to buy some new drink coasters because I finally ran out of AOL free trial CDs.
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than "he sees how creepy u are, that`s why he doesn`t want to shake your hand".