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Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.” If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
I don’t understand the point of lap-dancing clubs. If I wanted a woman to take all my money and sexually frustrate me, I’d stay at home with the wife.
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
Ever met a boring and stable girl who was good in bed? Exactly.
If anyone has ever told you that you snore, just know that person has very carefully weighed the pros and cons of letting you live.
Sex is like pizza, if you`re going to use bbq sauce you better know what the f*ck you`re doing
The Four Seasons, by Facebook: Spring: LOOK FLOWERS! Summer: LOOK AT MY DASHBOARD TEMP! Fall: LOOK LEAVES! Winter: MORE DASHBOARD PICS!
I watched my first porn movie today. I looked so much younger back then.
Come to think of it, I’ve never seen a taxi fill up at a gas station
It’s called sarcasm, and it confuses stupid people.
I hate it when TV shows say they contain "adult situations" but then don`t show anyone going to a job they hate, and paying their bills.
Fact: No one has ever "Jumped in the shower."
Damn girl, are you a Snickers bar because you`re so sweet and satisfying and surprisingly hard and hold on, are those nuts?
A good way to break up with a girl gently, is to curtsy when you`re meeting her father instead of shaking his hand.
A synonym is a word you use when you can´t spell the word you first thought of.