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My age is very inappropriate for my behavior.
Why do the people with the most annoying voices always appear to have the worst case of verbal diarrheal??!!
Everyone wants you to "be honest" until you tell them how much they suck.
The good thing about being 6' 6? is that if I develop a bald patch, no one will see it..Unless you’re using Google Earth.
If I had a dollar for everytime i thought of you, I would start thinking about you!
If someone doesn’t stand up to let you pass them in movie theater seats, it’s totally cool and legal to fart in their face as you walk by.
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they`d leave that one on too.
Its O.K. to laugh during sex … just don’t point ! ... trust me
Exercise makes you look better naked. Alcohol does the same, you pick..
Why is it called cat nip and not meowjuana?
If a guy remembers the color of your eyes after the first date, you know you have small boobs
I probably shouldn’t have driven home from the bar last night ... Especially as I walked there in the first place.
Grabbed Pizza Roll. Thought "my god that is so hot it`s burning my fingers" and immediately popped it in my mouth ... I`m a goddamn genius.
When someone is murdered, they always investigate the spouse 1st. And that pretty much tells you everything you need to know about marriage.
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two, but the more important question is, how did they get in there in the first place?