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I wish my money would have sex in my wallet and multiply
My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet... Oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.
that awkward moment when you`re scuba diving and you see Adele rolling in the deep.
My life is a constant cycle of waiting for the weekend and then not doing anything when it comes.
I hear my ex is now into orgies, or at least that`s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on her behalf said.
Talking louder does not make you any less wrong.
have you ever been like "what`s the day today? ... no i mean the like the number".
It’s not a great nap, unless you wake up and can’t remember what day it is.
Mission Impossible: Ordering something at Subway without saying, "ummmm".
My dentist said that bacon and soda works the same as toothpaste. Friends have said she meant baking soda....but I disagree. :)
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
Holidays are a lot of fun until you realize you`ve been dating the ugly sister
This chick I met last week says she wants a guy who is `funny and spontaneous`, yet when I tap on the kitchen window uninvited late at night dressed as a clown it`s all pantic and screaming.
At what number beer are you offically not working from home anymore?
My boss yelled at me today “It’s the fifth time you’ve been late to work this week! Do you know what that means?!” I said, “Probably that it’s Friday?"...