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New Rule: If I hold the door open for you and you walk by without thanking me I am guaranteed at least one attempt at trying to trip you.
A sure fire way to lose an afternoon, is to help a friend out when he says "come on it will only take a half hour to fix"
I just poured myself some iced tea. I could have sworn I heard one of the beers in my fridge whisper "What the F*ck!?"
Anything is possible when you have no clue what you`re talking about
No, I would not like to know what fruit my body is shaped like.
I`m bringing sexy back...if I only I can remember where I had it last....
I’m right 97% of the time…who cares about the other 4%.
Don`t forget to turn your clocks back today if you want them to be set to the wrong time.
Id explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
Give up, itsy-bitsy spider. It wasn`t meant to be.
My mother said, “You won’t amount to anything because you procrastinate.” I said, “Oh ya…..Just you wait.....”
I hate that little line of dirt that I can never get into the dust pan.
Pulling out a winter coat and going through the pockets to find out who I was 8 months ago.
My last boyfriend used to smile and say "I love you" to me every morning as he left for work. At least I think that`s what he was saying. It can be tricky to lip read through binoculars.
I wonder if my neighbors are more tired of hearing my dog bark or me screaming at it to shut the f*ck up.