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If Facebook was school I swear we would all have perfect attendance.
Iām just like everyone else: I put my straight jacket on one buckle at a time.
Touch it gently, put two fingers inside, if it`s wide use three fingers, make sure it`s wet and rub up and down. Yep that`s how you wash a cup.
There could be a ghost aggressively breakdancing next to you right now, and you`d have no Idea...
It`s funny how you think it`s your cat leaving all those dead birds on your doorstep.
If you`re married and having trouble, ask "what would Jesus do?" then remember that jesus was never married.
Tip to reduce weight: Turn your head to the left then turn to the right. Repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.
If by "help decorate the tree" you mean drinking beer on the couch yelling out everything you`re doing wrong, then yeah, count me in.
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.
I quit my job with the Dept of Corrections. That place was like a prison...
Relationships are like just-out-of-the-oven pizza. You know it`s going to burn you, but it looks so good and maybe this time it won`t?
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives. I`ll decide what is "fresh" and "natural" and "like a real girl" thank you very much.
Women are like bacon: they look good, they smell good, they taste good, and they will slowly kill you
I like to finish other people`s sentences because my version is better.