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Pick any number. Multiply it by two. Now add 12 to it. Divide it by 3. Now change it to 10. That`s how many seconds you just wasted.
Why do they always have 5K runs for charity? Just once, couldn’t they have a sit for charity or nap for charity?
If, in your relationship, you hear "You`re suffocating me", you`re probably not holding down the pillow hard enough.
If I could move things by telekinesis I`d squeeze people`s insides and make them fart.
My ex wife claims I have "commitment issues" like I didn`t just wait in line for 30 minutes to get a hot dog at Costco.
Coffee is gods way of saying "go ahead get trashed on a weeknight, I`ve got your back"
I see your arguement contains a lot of swear words, you must really know what you`re talking about
The best way to grill a chicken is to whack it with a rubber hose before you ask why it crossed the road..
I’m going to the gym because I heard they have free weights. I wonder how many they’ll let me take?
When people stay in a horrific relationship instead of breaking up, I assume they killed someone together.
Unless you fell off the stairmaster and a barbell fell on your face... no one wants to hear about your workout.
The object of golf is to play the least amount of golf.
My insomnia is getting worse. I was wide awake all day at work yesterday.
How come they didn`t call this years game the BUD bowl?
I`ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people