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I always like to keep a nice photo of myself for my Facebook profile pic because that is the picture that will be splashed all over the news when I finally go off the deep end.
I stepped on the scale today. Not to get my weight. I just couldn`t reach the cookies in the cupboard.
Attention idiots: as you continue to read something clearly addressed to idiots. Idiot.
Apparently putting Alka-Seltzer in my mouth while getting baptized and pretending I’m being possessed by the devil is not funny.
I hope someone drives slightly slower in front of you on a crowded highway and you can’t pass.
Of course I plan to seize the day ... Eventually.
We should not have trusted anything Charlotte wrote in her web. She was consistently talking out of her ass.
Just got legitimately excited when I remembered I can pay a person to drive a pizza to my house
I`m done with tucking in shirts. Too many people complaining I`m invading their "personal space." LOL
How come we can put a man on the moon but we can`t made a smoke alarm that can differentiate between a house fire and cooking sausages?
Learn to fight like you`re the third monkey trying to get on the Ark!
It must suck when billionaires wake up feeling like a million bucks.
Nothing starts my day off quite like an inspirationsl status!...May your day go fast, your socks match and your underwear no ride up your a$$.
Would you like a push on that mood swing of yours?
If our phones were really smart, they would tell us to get off of Facebook and do something meaningful or constructive with our lives.