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If your roommate never walked in on you naked, you`re not naked near enough.
When someone is in a bad mood, I like to help matters by pointing out several times that they seem to be in a bad mood.
The world would be a much nicer place if everyone took a chill pill. It would be even better if some of them choked on it.
I`m sorry I got salsa on your baby, and I`m extra sorry I scraped it off with a chip
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles and pay to walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
It’s impossible to bring up life insurance with your spouse without it seeming like you plan to have them whacked.
Teaching your dog to fetch a beer is smart. Fetching it from the neighbours house is genius.
The only thing worse than having a song stuck in your head for an entire day is not knowing the name of the song.
That awkward moment when you buy a pack of condoms and your wife ask. what you gonna do with those?
Interviewer: Have any weaknesses? Me: Bullets I: No, I mean… M: Knives I: I don’t think y… M: probably evil dragons I: … M: Focusing.
You know you have anger-management issues when you use an entire can of fly spray at point blank range to kill the tinest of moths...
Sometimes my life feels like a 40 year long episode of Punk`d...
I need a job that pays at least 10,000 dollars an hour.
Fun Fact: Over 97.8% of men have already made mistakes this year that a woman will remind him about for the rest of his days.
My boss hates it when I shorten his name to D!ck, Especially since his name is Steve.