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Life is very funny, if you take the time to watch it.
I was going to write something profound and memorable here, but I can`t remember what it was.
My credit card company says I have an outstanding balance. I’m flattered.
Two things I am thankful for: 1: Family and friends. 2: Caller ID, so I can avoid certain family and friends.
I`ve found if you tuck one part of a pants leg into your sock, people expect less of you.
I relate to Game of Thrones because much like my own life, I have no idea what’s going on and there’s a lot of wine drinking.
"He sure seems like a nice young man" is Grandma-speak for "I`d totally hit that."
The road to hell is paved with good intentions Note to self...avoid good intentions at all costs.
I like to start my morning off with a good nap.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the taser wrong.
Tip of the day: Don`t piss off anyone who has unlimited access to your toothbrush.
Today I recently discovered how to make my p@nis 12"...I just fold that b!tch in half.
Depresso; the feeling you get when you’ve run out of coffee.
Whether a Vacuum is on or off, it`s always collecting dust.
Why do people freak out about dolphins getting caugh in tuna nets? What about the tuna?