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If I meet you for a date and you don`t look anything like your pic, you`re buying drinks for me until you do.
Two girls riding their bikes on a cobble stone road. 1st girl: I never came this way before. 2nd girl: Me neither. It must be the cobble stones.
If you are used to seeing a fat, naked guy walk around his house, then you are probably my neighbor.
I`d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we`re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser..
Somebody is out there, somewhere, thinking of the impact you`ve made in their life. It`s not me. I think your an idiot.
I`m celebrating 1 year of sobriety today ... I think it was 1989 ... Cheers!
Bathtub` spelled backwards is still `bathtub`. It`s not, but for a second there, you believed me.
I will be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti! I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day!
If you ever get caught sleeping during work, just slowly raise your hand and say "In Jesus name I pray, Amen."
Saw a bird sh*t on my car, so I ate scrambled eggs on my front step, just to show him what I`m capable of.
If she owns more than 4 pairs of yoga pants, expect A LOT of text messages
It`s not karma, you`re just an idiot.
Dieting Tip, 1. Make a list of people who have a problem with your weight, 2. Cut them out of your life. 3. Enjoy having lost Hundreds of pounds of Idiots.
Those "Speed Enforced by Aircraft" signs don`t understand how eager I am to get pulled over by an F-16.
Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.