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You feel naked without your phone, I feel naked without my clothes.
I think the only way I’ll ever be motivated to go to the gym is if I’m in prison.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
Only thing harder than quitting cold turkey is quitting warm ham. It`s delicious.
Sometimes I feel like giving up...Then I remember I have a lot of motherf*ckers to prove wrong
My life is just a series of awkward moments separated by snacks.
I wish Noah would have swatted those two mosquitoes.
I bought a box of "SO CALLED" Hot Pockets --- brought them home, and opened one to eat it, and the Damned thing was FROZEN ----- Miis-Advertizing at it`s BEST!!! Now what do I do with the Damned thing???? :-P
Every dog is a badass until you decide to vacuum.
Where have you been all my life? Can you go back there?
I dont believe in beating my kids, so I make them wear a Justin Bieber shirt & crocs to school so the other kids will do it for me.
Next time you`re in a hospital elevator, calmly ask a stranger if they know what floor you should get off at for infectious diseases.
The problem with this generation? The cartoons suck.
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I`m bored of paying for things
It`s acceptable for someone to eat cereal for breakfast, lunch, and dinner as long as they still go to the gym, right? I`m asking for a friend...