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Some marriages end up fine, the others last forever.
The way my kids act at Walmart, it`s just a matter of time before the security camera footage is a hit reality show!
I went to the bank and said I`d like to open a joint account. They said "With who?" I said "Anyone who has a lot of money!"
Why doesn’t a deli slicer just have a scale on it?
Is somebody not editing what I´m saying here???
I don`t know who you are, but if you don`t stop sending me phone books, I will find you.....and I will smack you with it
Whenever my son questions my knowledge on any subject, I just remind him that I`m older than the Internet.
Under no circumstances shall a call be made to another male after 2 a.m., unless its to get bailed out of jail.
I need a leaf blower, but for people.
Often think if I`d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
Just got back from a job fair. Very disappointed. They didn`t have one damn ride.
Your shirt might say UFC but your body says KFC
Kids maybe a gift..... But I like playing with the box it came in.
Shaving your head is the "You can`t fire me because i quit" approach to male pattern baldness.
What`s with this `running with scissors` bullsh!t? Why would you run with scissors? Are you that excited to cut paper?