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Huge spoiler here ... Did you know Dave is actually NOT the real father of Alvin, Simon, and Theodore.
Karma has no menu. You get served what you deserve.
Sometimes “Girl`s night out” means she has just taken her bra off
I`ve come to terms with the fact that I will never experience leftover pizza.
The wife finally agreed to anal sex... Does anyone know what a strap-on is?
To clear a pop-up ad online, I was just forced to agree that "I don`t care about being healthy and smelling clean."
I`m going to go take a hot shower, it`s like a normal shower but with me in it
Beer is like sex. When it’s good it’s good…when it’s bad it’s still pretty good.
Sex is like pizza, if you`re going to use bbq sauce you better know what the f*ck you`re doing
Made some terrible life choices the last few years. Just kidding. I`m married and not allowed to make decisions.
So, which one of you is going to be the subject of your local news` annual turkey fryer accident story?
People would believe everything I say.. if it wasn`t for everything I say.
Kim and Kanye have been married WAY longer then I expected.
Seeing how Iron Man and Batman are only really smart and super rich, I’m really disappointed with Bill Gates.
When I get in an elevator, before I press a button I look at everyone inside and say “Are you ready to take this sh!t to a whole new level?”