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I`m really sick and tired of food having calories...
All the noises I used to make during sex, I now make getting up in my truck.
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
I scream, You scream, We all scream, Because grandpa forgot his hearing aids again.
When one door closes and another one opens, your house is probably haunted.....
I wish there was more BitStrips and photos of giraffes on my Facebook
Who me? Oh I`m just waiting for my husband to apologize for something I did wrong...marriage is fun
One day we the women will rap the men lets see how they like it!
There is no peer pressure like washing your hands because someone else walked into the bathroom.
boss- "You cant drink while your at work!" .. me- "Oh dont worry im not working!!"
Imagine how out of control drinking would if we didn`t have hangovers
Do the right thing today: Go to someone`s profile, scroll down 4 months, and like something.
So apparently, all you can eat buffets do not include the waitresses...
My biggest problem is that I believe almost everything I tell myself.
The iPad: Because the iPhone was too small for other people to notice you.