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I pay $200 a month for car insurance, I`ll run all the red lights I want
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they`re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
Saw a billboard ad for potato chips that proudly claimed "There`s a lot of pride in every bag!" Hmmm...is "pride" another word for "air"?
is in no shape to exercise
My house isn’t dirty, I just have everything on display.
I don`t like thinking before I say something. I like to be just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth
Calling your girlfriend by her Moms name during a fight is a great way to escalate the situation.
Law enforcement`s cracking down on texting while driving, but there`s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
Don`t ask me stupid questions and I won`t hurt your stupid feelings.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man
Can I tell you how terribly grateful I am that no one had cell phones, iPads or digital cameras when I had to squaredance in P.E.
I took a nude photo of myself ... With the light off ... You`re welcome.
I hate when I’m walking into the gym and the wind blows me into the liquor store.
I want to take this moment to thank the depends adult diaper company for allowing me to play my video game for a strait 8 hours uninterupted...