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“Wow! My political opinion just changed because of what you posted on Facebook” – said no one ever.
According to the U.S. Census Bureau: 190,374 people are having sex right now, 212,130 are kissing, and 1 poor person is reading this post. You hang in there!
No matter how little I do in a day. I always feel like I could have done less.
We should have a way of telling people their breath stinks without hurting their feelings like: “Well I’m bored, let’s go brush our teeth.”
If anyone has ever told you that you snore, just know that person has very carefully weighed the pros and cons of letting you live.
The really cool thing about being a husband is having your mistakes constantly pointed out.
Before you judge me, know that I don`t give a crap. Ok, go ahead.
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn`t work any better.
Who`s more foolish, a fool or the person who takes a fool`s advice?
I`m not saying you`re stupid; you just have bad luck when it comes to thinking.
My coworkers are looking at me like they`ve never seen anyone tailgate before work.
Now tell me how old your baby is in hours.
I can think of other ways to eat fresh, but I`ll settle for this subway sandwich.
Opposites attract, that`s the trouble with being awesome
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?