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Fun things to do in Walmart: Take the ``try me`` stickers off of the toys & place them on condom boxes.
When my husband gives me shit for taking too long to get ready, I remind him that you never know when you`ll meet the man of your dreams.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it´s still on the list.
If you answer the phone and say "Hello, you`re on the air." most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
Life is what you make it = 10% Shit happens = 90%
This is why my kids dont take me places anymore ... Waitress: “Do u have any questions about the menu?” Me: ” Yes, What kind of font is this?”
I hate when people see me at the store and are like "Hey, what are you doing?" I`m like "Oh you know, hunting elephants."
When people ask how my childhood was, I say "Pretty good, so far."
My dog doesn`t always bark like there`s an intruder in the house, but when he does he waits until I`m home alone and in the shower.
I told my wife that I have a sexual satisfaction guarantee policy. If you`re not completely satisfied, we`ll just do it all over again. Guaranteed.
I think they put less beers in twelve packs these days.
Judging by the size of these chicken fingers, that chicken had to be somewhere between 7` to 10` tall.
You never know what you have until you clean your room.
If I keep hitting the treadmill like I do every night, in a few weeks maybe I`ll learn to turn on the light when I get up to pee in the dark
I`d like to help you out ... Which way did you come in?