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People who are about to tell you something then say "never mind" are the reason why I sometimes admire serial killers
At my age I can no longer function without my glasses. Especially when they`re empty.
If going to church has taught me anything, it is that Catholics hate unexpected pterodactyl impressions.
Rapper; "I`m killing them snitches, smacking then bitches, smokin blunts and f*ckin hoes!" *wins award* Rapper: "I just wanna thank god.."
Is it too late to wrap myself up like a baby and drop myself off on a billionaire’s doorstep?
"Let`s give the bad guy a ponytail." - 80s movies
Go to China on honeymoon. Get intimate with Husband. Tell child that they were "Made in China."
People who actually rate porn videos are the unsung heroes of our generation.
More funny statuses will be posted here soon
Monday: A terrible way to spend 1/7 of your life.
I`m tired of being the better person. One day I`d like to be the bitch that they claim I am.
If a guy stares at your boobs, just stare at his d!ck ... maybe squint a little bit
I really worried about which selfie my family would put on the news if I ever went missing.
I entered what I ate for lunch into my calorie counting app and it uninstalled itself.
So apparently I`ve been Googling `Asian Prom` this whole time. I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren`t going to bang.