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I drink to make other people interesting
My new plan is to ignore my problems until they become hilarious stories.
Childhood is like being drunk. Everyone remembers what you did, except you.
I`m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign And before that ... we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that sh!t.
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles and pay to walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
My mind is exceptionally quiet.... I am suspicious that I am up to something I don`t want myself to know about.
Is it wrong to swallow my multi-vitamin with a beer?
From now on, all of my posts will be written in Morgan Freeman`s voice. Please re-read this one to make sure it`s working.
A fun thing to do when leaving the Zoo, is too start frantically running and yelling "OMG they`ve all escaped!"
I`m always amazed that when tragedy strikes how quickly people on Facebook become experts on the subject no matter what it is.
Just completed my sexual harassment training and I think I`m finally ready to start harassing people.
Why get married when you can just drive into oncoming traffic?
When I have a yard sale I play the theme song to Sanford & Son with a boombox on my porch.
I want to tell my coworker I have strong feelings for her, but I`m afraid things might get weird if she knows I hate her.
It`s time to take the next big step in my relationship by popping the question to my girlfriend ....will you get me a beer :) (<>..<>)