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That awkward moment when you give the same Hallmark card two years in a row.
Couch pillows are really just fart silencers.
you know....I wasn`t planning on going for a run today....but those cops came out of nowhere
Every novel is a mystery novel if you never finish it
If you watch the Twilight movies backwards, Kristen Stewart still can`t act.
Friendship must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, nudity, inappropriateness, and shenanigans.
This morning I got in touch with my inner self. And that`s also the last time I`ll buy cheap toilet paper...
I hate it when I write a sarcastic Facebook status and someone who doesn’t speak sarcasm has to comment and ruin it.
You look like I need another drink
Every so often you come across a person that supplies you with endless motivation, even if it is just to jump into traffic.
Who actually clicks on the "No I am not over 18" links on "adult" pages?
Just picked the remote up off the floor with my feet while lying on the couch, so I guess today was leg day...
Happy 4th of July ! ... It`s a holiday. You know what that means... Ten million status updates saying the exact same thing. Get ready.
I`m Dave, or as the ladies like to call me... "Hey, you! Behind the bushes!"
I used to think I was good at multi-tasking. Turns out it’s just my multiple personalities doing one task at a time.