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I want to meet myself from someone else’s point of view.
I made a bucket list for when I kick the bucket. Number one: Wear shoes! Ever tried kicking a metal bucket without shoes? Hurt like hell.
Guys... If the girl your getting down with doesn`t even have time to fake an orgasm..... It`s prob best you just make your sandwich
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting...
I swear this is the last time I watch Groundhog Day
Be careful, there is also plenty of mentally unstable fish in the sea.
I hate it when TV shows say they contain “adult situations” but then don’t show anyone going to work, paying their bills or cleaning up their kid’s vomit.
Forgets to set alarm, wakes up 3 days later.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
Hate it when I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket and it’s not even in there.
It’s like I was put on this earth so unstable people have somebody to date.
So many fun things to say … too many relatives on Facebook to post!
A cop pulled me over and said ``Papers...`` So I said, ``Scissors, I win!`` and drove off like a boss!
I was born to be happy… not normal.
Milk Duds: When you want some candy but also crave a dislocated jaw