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Behind every strong woman is a man that she needs to open jars and get things off high shelves.
My boss hates "yes" men and I have to agree with him.
People always get offended when you call their baby ugly, but they never understand that they`ve offended you by showing you an ugly baby.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you`re homeless cause you`re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
I get a real kick out of people who drive a mile in their car to run a mile on a treadmill.
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
We have so much in common. You want to travel and I want you to go.
Nice meeting you, but I forgot your name as soon as you said it...
I want to put a bib on a baby that says "This dumbass put my cape on backwards." lol
Why aren`t we letting blind people think that dragons are real?
If you`re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
Gee I wish I could push the envelope... But it`s stationary.
People should have to pass an IQ test to use the self-checkout section.
What if Spider Man has to stop a crime in the countryside
A girl who lives hundreds of miles away texting you “I’m drunk” is like a lasagna texting you from Italy saying “I’m delicious”