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Why do baby clothes have pockets?
You just don`t see enough people being taken away in straight jackets anymore.
Getting married at 22 sounds alot like leaving the party at 9:30
My neighbor just spent $237.43 at the vet, that`s $1,662.01 in dog dollars.
I`m really good at making poor decisions. You`re my favorite so far.
Live life to its fullest even if that means eating everything in the fridge
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he`ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
The Zoo is a safe place to fart.
The best part about being over 40 is we did most of our stupid stuff before the internet.
Come on Facebook friends. Be honest with me. Does my butt make my pants look fat?
Jobs are like relationships. You have them, you cry about it. You don’t have them, you cry about it.
Most of the lies I tell aren`t even true.
Are oranges named orange because they’re orange or is orange called orange because oranges are orange?
Sometimes saying "F*ck it" is the best decision.
You never outgrow sleepovers, they just become coed.