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My salad pic. got more likes than your selfie.
People who think Iām not a religious person should see me when the airplane starts to shake.
Shoutout to my parents for not wearing a condom and creating the most awesome person alive.
I have a pretty big ass, so when I half ass something you`re still getting something impressive.
Men hang out in bars for one of two reasons: Either they have no wife to go home to, or they do
Dogs lick each other`s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
The sight of naked cleavage reduces a man`s ability to reason by 50% ... Per boob.
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
I`m pretty sure God just pointed at me and laughed.
I hate it when people pour my cereal. They don`t know how much I want. They don`t know my life. They don`t know what I`ve been through.
I wasn`t going to get so many groceries, but there was a new girl working today and she took my check.
Do you think the inventor of the USB will be buried twice? The 2nd time because they put him in the wrong way?
I know the light has changed twice people but I`m playing air drums until Moby Dick is over...sit back and enjoy the show please...
If I had a dollar for every time I had a nickel.......
I asked my wife if we could get a hot young nanny. Of course she got mad and said "No!". For one thing, we don`t have any kids...