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People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
Just once I would like to read a warning label that says "May cause permanent weight loss, remove wrinkles, and increase energy."
I want to be the reason you look down at your phone and smile. Then walk into a pole.
It`s crazy that your brain can calculate where to put your hand to catch a 98 mph fastball... But won`t keep your mouth shut when a woman is angry
If one of your life goals is to fight with someone about how to load a dishwasher, may I suggest marriage.
Capitalization can really change a sentence. Example: I love to eat candy ... I love to eat capitalization.
I told my girlfriend to get me a newspaper. Dont be silly, she replied. Borrow my iPad. That spider never knew what f*cking hit it.
received a call saying that my son had been lying in school, and was being expelled. I don´t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar.
What scares me most is that some people think I actually know what I’m doing.
Do you think regular dogs see police dogs and think, “Oh crap! It’s the cops!”?
If I had a British accent, I`d never shut up.
I used to question how much information was too much information. Joined Facebook, It`s much clearer now
"Wow! That Lean Cuisine really filled me up!" ... said no one, ever.
Last night I was walking the sexiest girl ever home until she turned around and saw me.
Its weird how your entire day flashes before your eyes the moment you realize that your zipper has been down and you haven`t pissed in 8 hrs