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You can learn a lot about a girl by ignoring her text messages.
If you see me smiling it`s because I`m thinking of doing something evil or naughty ... If you see me laughing it`s because I`ve already done it
Go through a fast food drive thru. When they repeat your order back to you, say "And can I get that to go?" and enjoy the confused silence.
The only thing I understand about Algebra: I look at my X and I wonder Y
One man`s girlfriend is another man`s password.
It`s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
Ever have to poop and your abdominals start to relax just as you near the toilet, and then you notice that `Out of Order` sign or the empty toilet paper dispenser?
You can`t fix stupid, but you can watch it in action on Facebook every day.
It`s bigger on the inside..said no woman, ever!
If the plan is “drink beer now, figure out life later” then yes, everything is going according to plan.
Clapping: Repeatedly high-fiving yourself for someone else`s accomplishments.
If my jokes offend you: 1. I’m sorry. 2. It won’t happen again. 3. 1 & 2 are lies. 4. You’re a wussy.
Google maps should have a “Scenic!” route option for when we’re not in a hurry and just want to enjoy the ride.
sleep is for people without netflix
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don`t even remember what he did anymore.