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Some call it alcoholism, I call it "keeping my emotions hydrated"
Put that down you fat piece of sh!t` - the title of the dieting book I`m writing.
Time flies when you’re having a drunken blackout.
My neighbor just spent $237.43 at the vet, that`s $1,662.01 in dog dollars.
Hey NFL, solution to your recent problem, start allowing players to hit each other on the field again
Doing the moonwalk is the only way to look cool while wiping dog crap off your shoes.
It`s amazing how important someone can make you feel with a smile, a kind word or the occasional stalking.
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
The girl on the flyer is never at the club.
Are you supposed to get an email that says “HAHAHAHAHA” after signing up for Match.com?
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she`ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
RIP to my hair dryer. It was the only thing to blow me for the last 10 years and never complain.
BOOK FACT: If you took every book at Barnes and Noble and laid them end to end you get thrown out by security and banned from returning.
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
"Don`t let a hot date turn into a due date."--my father`s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.