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You know you`re up really late at night when you turn on ESPN and 2 white guys are boxing!
Just saw the little boy next door licking whip cream off the cat. Pretty sure he heard something he shouldn`t have.
I bet when Hugh Hefner dies no one will say "He`s in a better place now."
Drunk people are the only honest ones left.
I know they didn`t ask for it, but I sent a stool sample in with my tax returns.
I`m trying to locate a girl from high school. You know, the one who could tie a cherry stem with her tongue.
I only seem to remember I want to lose weight after eating 6 cookies.
Iām in no shape to exercise.
Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.
If tomatoes are a fruit, then ketchup is a smoothie.
Marriage is supposed to be permanent. It`s like a tattoo that yells at you.
I wish Facebook wasn`t the only place I could block people from my life.
Be careful when you`re watching a movie with your wife. You`re gonna get blamed for whatever the guy in the movie does.
Due to no supervision and sheer lack of self control; I sincerely with GREAT guilt! Here now inform you. I ate your banana split
I`d say go to hell, but I don`t want to see you again.