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I’m in my dentist’s waiting room practicing my lies about flossing.
ME: “We have a problem, the liquor store is closed.” HER: “That`s ok, I don’t drink.” ME: “Ok we have two problems.”
Stay positive ladies, maybe he just didn`t hear you the first 100 times.
Stretch marks? You mean sick a$$ lightning tattoos.
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I`m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
Never hire a color blind Bomb Technician.
I tell people that the secret ingredient in my cookies is “love,” but it’s actually “floor”
Siri, where are my pants?
One small step for man one giant step for a really small man
Ladies and Gentleman, I`ve traveled a long way, crossed many bridges, fought my way through countless obstacles, all to bring you this one sad truth about life. There`s never enough beer.
The people who make medicine clearly have no idea what fruit tastes like
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
When someone rings the doorbell, why do dogs always assume it’s for them?
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you`re nuts.
Beer never asks me if I think another beer is prettier than it.