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My credit rating is so bad I got turned down for a magazine subscription.
I think I have a serious problem---Today I was reading the newspaper and found myself looking for the "Like" button.
I hate people that take drugs, specially U.S. Customs and the D.E.A.
Whether you`re a woman or a straight man, taking a bra off is likely to be one of the high points of your day.
It’s my favorite time of the day: How long can I stare directly at my monitor and do absolutely nothing o’clock.
It’s hard to tell if I’m dealing really well with life these days or if I just don’t give a sh!t.
Ok everybody. Please look in your bedroom closet. I got my stalking notes mixed up and don`t know where I am.
Don`t let the propeller hat fool you... I have no idea how to fly this plane.
What supermarket did the pilgrims visit to purchase their canned gelatin cranberry sauce? I want my Thanksgiving to be authentic.
Everyone`s self worth should only be measured by how useful they would be in the zombie apocalypse.
Found out the difference between onions and men. I don`t cry when I`m chopping up men.
roses are red, violets are blue, I suck at poems.. you have nice boobs
I`m going to hire two private detectives to follow each other .
I`ve been waiting all winter to complain about the summer heat
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.