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You never know whats going on in your life until you’re f*cked up.
Being a fat guy at McDonald`s is like being the muscle guy at the gym. People stay out of your way cause they know you mean business
If I were my boss, I`d never leave my coffee cup unattended.
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
Women have all the answers, to all of your questions, and you don`t even have to ask.
You know it`s way past your bed time when the 1-800-dial-a-hoe commercials come on.
I think even hospital gowns cover more than my insurance does...
Why is it that whenever you dial a wrong number, somebody always answers?
I really hate it when I have to watch the same channel for 2 days because the remote fell behind the couch.
There are two rules to success in life - 1. Don`t tell people everything you know
I knew we would be the best of friends when you said drinks are on you
Most of the lies I tell aren`t even true.
I bought a little bag of air today, and the company that made it were kind enough to put some potato chips in it.
Another year has passed. I`ve just about given up on the Mayans.
My facebook has been rated PG for Poor Guy