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At first, I had my doubts about using autocorrect. But my new phone probed me wrong. PROVED DAMNIT! PROVED!
You`re the reason I wake up every morning... Just kidding, I have to goto work.
Money can buy imitation happiness. I’m cool with that.
Just rescued a Coca Cola that was trapped in the fridge!
I Googled, “Who gives a sh!t?” and I was not in the search results.
Of course I`m using OJ as a mixer, it`s flu season.
Women`s logic: I went to buy a suit. But i saw a beautiful pair of shoes. So i bought this handbag.
If I owned a copy store I would only hire identical twins.
The true definition of safe sex is having a padded headboard.
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
If by `the Hamptons` you mean `my pajamas`, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons
Taught a man how to buy fish ... So much easier.
It’d be hilarious to release a gorilla in a gorilla suit at the mall and see the look on security’s face when they pull off the mask.
I`d get lost less frequently if GPS would say "no, your other left."
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