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I’ve robbed banks before and they’re never getting their pens back.
Everyone has fitness goals and I’m over here like, if I burn this many calories I can eat a whole pizza.
If you need some help at Home Depot and are being ignored, get on one of their step ladders
I wonder if the Ziploc bag company secretly lobbies to keep marijuana illegal.
After much thought and careful consideration, I`ve decided not to do a damn thing today.
If you are willing to date an ex, it means that you`re backwards compatible.
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I`m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
You can tell a man`s age by how close their socks are to their knees.
Instead of ‘gay friends’ can we say homiesexuals
Ahh, Spring. When the days get longer and the dresses get shorter!!
Why Couldn`t Snoop Dogg & Dr.Dre Get On The Bus ... Because They Forgot 50 Cent
You`re right, vodka. This is the perfect time to use a hammer.
A morning text from me doesn`t mean "good morning". It means "I`m having very dirty thoughts about you right now".
Buying your wife a gun is like saying. "You know, I kinda want to kill myself, but I want it to be a surprise."
You`re such a slut, the only reason why you wear panties is to keep your ankles warm.