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Just so you know, the movie "Life of Pi" has nothing to do with dessert.
Designated drivers just drive me to drink.
You know what’s funnier than watching someone trip and fall? Absolutely nothing!
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2015.
I`m not sure it`s possible to fill a moving truck these days without the word "Tetris" being brought into the conversation.
nothing says i love you like, "im going to buy you new duct tape for your taillight, what color you want? "
If you’ve never pretended a Cheeto is a tiny caveman club, we can’t be friends.
All of my selfies are just still shots from surveillance footage.
I never give money to bums because a.) They probably make more money than I do. b.) They work from home. c.) They get to drink on the job.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
The fact that Google autocompletes all of my questions just reaffirms how unoriginal all my problems are.
I only get religious when scratching off lottery tickets.
Someone stole my identity and returned it 10 minutes later.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Laughing at your mistakes can lengthen your life. Laughing at your wife’s can shorten it