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It`s all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship`s kitchen.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I`m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild
The United States is probably the only country in the world where people need energy drinks to sit in front of a computer all day.
I`m 42 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
If you`re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
Here hold my dignity, I`ve got some sketchy shit to do.
Sharing your faith on Facebook is like sharing a fart in a elevator. It might feel nice to come out but no one really wants to hear it.
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
I was gonna call you... but I`m still sober.
Don`t judge me just because I sin differently from you.
The secret to happiness is a good sense of humor and a bad memory.
So long pants! See you Monday!
I`m not saying i hate you but if you were on fire and i had water i would drink it
Did you know you can go to any gym without having to announce it on Facebook?
The restraining order doesn`t mean we can`t hangout. It just says I can`t get within 50 ft of you. So you wanna play catch or frisbee or something?