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I hate situations where I have to acknowledge the people I had been successfully ignoring.
“One man’s trash is another man’s treasure” would be a terrible way to let your child know that they’re adopted.
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
It`s Friday! High-five some sh!t!
Every time you have McDonald’s as a kid, it’s a victory. Every time you have it as an adult, it’s a defeat.
I used to have superpowers but the psychiatrist took them away.
I don`t know why I don`t buy more piñatas. Like right now I would love to beat the shit out of something and then eat a bunch of candy.
Just saw a Christmas tree drive by with a Smart Car strapped to the bottom of it.
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
The first thing I do when I get a telemarketer call is say "Let`s go off script. What are you wearing?"
“I don’t know why people dislike jury duty. I think being able to play god with others’ lives sounds fun!” – How I got out of jury duty
Job interview tip: repeatedly ask if you`re under oath
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
Stop leaving me messages. If I ever wanted to talk to you again, I wouldn’t have borrowed all that money.
I’m not always rude. Sometimes I’m sleeping.