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When a bird bangs into your window, do you wonder if God is playing angry birds
some people just need a hug...around the neck...with a rope!!
I hate it when the movie trailer is better than the movie itself.
When I find it, I don’t need it. When I need it, I can’t find it…
I thought a vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant but apparently it only changes the color of the baby.
If relationship breakups never existed, the music industry would go Bankrupt !
Lesson Learned: I poured bleach on the asshole that cut me off at the self-checkout. According to the cop, I misunderstood asshole bleaching.
Candy Crushers keep inboxing me saying that they need "lives" as if I didn`t already know that.
I can tell by your boobs that you`ve never seen a bar tab.
I will be responsible for my actions when my actions become more responsible.
It’s amazing what I’m able to get done when I need to do something else.
I don’t let my friends do stupid things… ALONE!
It`s the little things in life that count, like pills.
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
I am absolutely a man of my word. Unfortunately, it just so happens that the word is "Unreliable".