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I was gonna take over the world this morning but I overslept. Postponed ... Again.
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
Stay positive ladies, maybe he just didn`t hear you the first 100 times.
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 17 books and showered.
Meetings are 20% small talk, 5% what the meeting is about and 75% wasting everyone’s time.
I wrote a song about a tortilla actually its more of a wrap.
Still haven`t answered my life`s calling... I`ve always just assumed it dialed the wrong number.
Ironically the only way I`d watch the 50 Shades of Grey movie is if you tied me to a chair and forced me to.
Passed a vampire, a zombie, and a prostitute on the way to work tonight. Not sure which ones were in costume…
I was at the pool today and tried to sneak a quick pee in the deep end. The lifeguard must have seen me. He blew his whistle so loud that I almost fell in.
Is it bad when I’m talking to myself and I’m not even listening?
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
50% of people believe sex is "the connecting of two people`s souls through two people`s bodies, as one." The other 50% are men.
Dear iPhone, Please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon