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"Check, please!" - Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old`s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
I`m terribly sorry but I have decided not to grow up and act my age after all. So there.
If I have offended you, hurt you, belittled you in any manner, then I want you to know that I was only just getting started.
Women say they love nerds until you whip out your Pokemon cards.
I like to go to the bar and flip peoples license plates upside down, then go home and listen to my scanner.
I`m always amazed that when tragedy strikes how quickly people on Facebook become experts on the subject no matter what it is.
If ANY of my posts have made even one person’s day better, then there’s something seriously wrong with that person
I didn`t have access to Facebook for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 17 books and showered.
There is only one thing I hate more than lying: skim milk. Which is water lying about being milk.
A group hug in my family means someone wants to use you as a napkin.
Pro tip: Go the the gym on one of those 1 day free passes, take 365 selfies then post one every day.
Starting a sentence with “If you ask me” almost always indicates that no one asked you.
~WARNING~ I will more than likely offend you at some point in time
Baby Polar Bear: Mommy, am I really a Polar Bear? Mother: Of course you are. Why? Baby Polar Bear: `Cause I`m fukcing freezing!"