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When they say: "Wow, you`re really photogenic." What they mean: "Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are."
363 shopping days `til Christmas and some people already have their lights up.
I am sick of people thinking deodorant is optional.
Dear axe body spray, Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles. Best regards, Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very real.
I’ve never considered myself much of a conspiracy theorist. Then I discovered the letters in Frito Lay could be rearranged to spell Oily Fart- Coincidence?… I think not!!!
Spoiler alert: Your `97 Nissan Sentra doesn`t need one.
I was the hot single in my area the whole time.
People really need to get with the times. Smartphones are not for talking anymore.
Looking forward to `Breaking Bad` merchandise. Especially the cook book.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my mind and my temper
Thanks to my mom, I put my name on all of my underwear so they`re easier to spot when I go through the bar`s lost and found box.
There`s nothing a floored gas pedal and cranked music can`t cure.
My life coach just informed me that I didnt make the team
Due to the rising cost of ammunition I will no longer be able to provide a warning shot. Thanks for your understanding.