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I`ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she`s a woodpecker.
Does it count as saving someone`s life if you just refrain from killing them?
Is "blowjob" one word or two words? God I hate writing thank you cards. -Bfanch
If you ask me, every Friday is a Good Friday.
FB friends, no one gives a ratsass what concerts you went to...
You know you`re getting old when one huge fart throws out your back.
Don`t worry about the grass on the other side. It`s not your grass.
If I agreed with you we´d both be wrong.
I like to jump onto people`s backs as an unexpected piggy back. but sometimes I get carried away
I`m a fantastic secret-keeper because, deep down, I really don`t care enough to actually talk about it to anyone else.
As you get older your Christmas list gets shorter, because the things you want can`t be bought.
I’m not in denial, I’m just selective about the reality I choose to accept :)
Being married is like having the freedom to do whatever your wife tells you.
Sometimes I wonder if I could get away with murder, but then I remember I can’t even eat pancakes without getting syrup all over me.
It`s no fun if you have permission.