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Pick any number. Multiply it by two. Now add 12 to it. Divide it by 3. Now change it to 10. That`s how many seconds you just wasted.
The phrase “Don’t take this the wrong way.” has a zero percent success rate.
Do you ever go on youtube just to watch a music video then 5 hours later you find yourself watching a tutorial on how to talk to a giraffe?
Relax, you’re not paranoid at all. Everyone is talking about you.
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I`m sure you already know, have a great time!
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, “well that’s not going to happen.”
The ideal man doesn`t smoke, doesn`t drink, doesn`t do drugs, doesn`t swear, doesn`t get angry, doesn`t exist
I would rather cuddle then have sex. If you`re good with grammar you`ll get it.
North West: Daddy what were you famous for? Kanye: rapping. North West: Mommy what were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
I would lose weight, but I hate losing..
Pointing out the food you just dropped on the floor to your dog because you`re too lazy to clean it.
My browser asks "are you sure?" when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
If anyone tells you, you have ADHD. Pay no attention.
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar* *Snickers*
I`m at my most cardio when I am moving the treadmill into storage