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In honor of St. Patrick`s Day, I`m going to create a hybrid of a four leaf clover and poison ivy and give myself a rash of good luck
It’s a strange moment, when you realize that the sound of nature is the sound of millions of animals, birds, and insects desperately trying to get laid.
I have over 500 facebook friends, and i want to say that i love you all...except for number 376 ..you`re a real a@@hole!!
United Airlines.... Board as Doctor, leave as patient.
Accidentally took a women`s multi vitamin & I`ve been trying to get dressed for the past 3 hours, but everything is making me look fat.
If a man says you’re ugly he’s being mean. If a woman says you’re ugly she’s envious. If a little kid says you’re ugly, you’re ugly.
Unless otherwise stated, I have no idea what I’m talking about.
It`s always awkward the first time you hold hands with someone because they usually want to know who you are and why you just grabbed them.
A wasp just landed on my balls. Hardest decision of my life.
If tomatoes are classed as a fruit, then doesnt that mean that ketchup is technically a smoothie? ... hmmm
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
So the Boy Scouts are going to let girls join. Teenage boys and girls camping in the woods together. What could possibly go wrong?
Sorry I wore tear-away pants to your wedding. In my defense I really thought I had on underwear.
Yesterday I saw something that reminded me of you. I almost stepped in it!
I call in sick on full moons just to make them wonder.