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What`s a burnt pizza, frozen beer & a pregnant girl have in common? There was a DUMBASS who didn`t take it out in time.
When I die and I`m standing at the gates, I hope they give me the carpenter`s cup challenge from Indiana Jones. I`m totally ready for that one.
My girlfriend and I have an open relationship and will continue to do so right up until she finds out.
I flunked anger management class.
I have the same thought when I watch horror flicks as when I watch my wedding videos. I should have known who the psycho was much sooner.
Feeling so good today ... High-five the person next to you and tell them it`s from me.
a friend will calm you down when you`re angry a best friend will run beside you with a baseball bat shouting, "somebody`s gonna get it!"
Well, I`m really not sure what my spirt animal is but I`m sure it looks like road kill right about now.
Good to know that if they ever release a lion in Walmart you only have to run faster than the fat lady with the zebra print pants on.
Sometimes I post crazy shit just to see if my friend`s list will drop a few #`s
As if " cray cray" wasn`t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to " cray"....that`s just stu stu
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters not in the word?
Don’t you hate it when spiders bite you and you get like zero superpowers?
I`d totally order a salad bar. If it had lettuce, tomatoes, cheese, ketchup, mustard, hamburger and buns.
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking. Or help them move.