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I`m trying to save up enough money to one day afford to save up money.
Everyone has that one friend that can turn any conversation into something dirty....I am usually that friend.
There`s an emoji for eggplants but not for popcorn and this is why trusting people isn`t just hard, it`s impossible.
I wish we had staff meetings in the garden. The plants would`ve love the fertilizer.
Liking something on Facebook instead of commenting is like nodding at someone in an elevator instead of saying hello.
For every minute you are angry you lose sixty seconds of happiness.
if I was a bird, I know who I´d poop on first.
Don’t look unless you’re prepared to see.
Why do they call it "hiring a hitman" and not "ordering takeout"
You really can`t say your laundry is done unless you are completely naked
Did Humpty Dumpty sue them motherf*ckers for making that wall so high?
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
I don`t care what the expiration date says, I have to smell it
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I`m not expecting them to be practical
I`m at my most popular when I just want to be alone.