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Vodka is just amazing water.
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it`s like they had those babies for nothing.
I hate it when the credit card bills come in and I have to have sex with my husband.
As soon as the Zombie Apocalypse hits I`m grabbing a sledgehammer and heading down to the local cemetery for the greatest game of Whack-A-Mole ever.
Drinking coffee in the afternoon is like eating the mushroom that makes you big in Super Mario.
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school] "It doesn`t matter if its a dog, it`s still called a cat scan"
I´m a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect!
It`s always awkward the first time you hold hands with someone because they usually want to know who you are and why you just grabbed them.
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
If anyone has any terrible ideas, I`ve historically been very open to them.
People keep mistaking my "wow"s for compliments.
Porn is a lot like yoga pants. Not everybody should be in them.
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V "Tuesday"
I`m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
I think stupid people were put on this earth to test my anger management skills.