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Have you ever looked at your ex and wondered...WAS I drunk the whole time?
There aren’t enough days in the weekend.
Just like our bodies, our minds need exercise. That`s why I think of jogging every morning.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
You had me at, "we`ll make it look like an accident."
I can’t believe it’s 2012 and there is still no fold button on my dryer.
I got pulled over for drunk driving last night. In my defense I didn’t even know I was driving.
They say that you are what we eat. This means that I am cheap, easy and ready in 2 minutes!
I take so many things with a grain of salt that I`m surprised I don`t have high blood pressure.
Would you mind going with me to my next Psychologist appointment? He thinks I`m making you up.
Husband for sale: 1972 model, white in colour, a bit hard on gas but comes with a spare tire.
Dear Life, Please, use a Lubricant.
They say a dog park is a great place to pick up girls. I don`t have a dog so I am walking around with a bag of poop so I won`t look weird.
You`ve cat to be kitten me right meow.
For a guy who makes as many bad decisions as I do, I feel like I should be having more fun.