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I heard an ex got run down by a bus today. I thought "Wow, that could have been me!" But then, I can`t drive a bus..
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I`m describing him.
My car doesn’t have a passenger airbag but don’t worry, if we get in an accident all the McDonalds napkins in the glove box will cushion you
Half the lies they tell about me aren`t true
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount...
I hope I never go to jail because I haven`t memorized a phone number since 2001
A German boy pushed his brother off a cliff. He then turned to his mother and said "Look Mom! No Hans!"
Whenever I delete an App on my iPhone, The shaking icons make me feel like they`re all panicked over who`s getting deleted.
Life really is all down-hill once you get to big too ride in the shopping cart anymore isnt it??
Just took the batteries out of my smoke detector to use in my TV remote control. Dont judge me .. It´s Sunday.
If couples who are in love are called `love birds.` Then couples who always argue should be called `angry birds.`
Ok a$$hole, just go around me. I`m already doing 30 over the limit, I`m not speeding up. Stupid car with your stupid flashing lights
Life is to short ... to waste time matching socks.
Any of you had a friend that borrowed your sh!t and kept it for so long you had to borrow it back..
The only time I’ve passionately knocked everything off a table was when I was trying to make room for a pizza.