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How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
Screw Folgers, the best part of waking up is knowing I survived last night`s drinking.
When I become president I will make Monday a part of the weekend.
I’m at the doctor’s office & they don’t know why I have this rash on my balls. Guess I’ll wait for the Dr, these other patients are clueless.
It’s like nobody ever considers the consequences of getting to know me.
Just once I wanna see a pregnancy test commercial where the female is like, "Aww, f**k..."
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
Gaining weight while you owe me money is a big sign of disrespect.
I just saw a woman getting into a car the wrong way ... Through the driver’s door.
The funny moment when a fat kid says "that`s how I roll".
Screaming out "BOOM PREGNANT!" during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
Don´t be stupid, it´s not smart.
I don`t care about Disney lying about the Prince Charmings out there. I`m more annoyed that random woodland creatures won`t clean my house.
When finding someone to date, drinking compatibility is more important than you think.
When I am working, I get paid to be nice. I don`t understand why my friends and family expect me to do it for free during my time off.