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I wouldn’t have to manage my anger, if people could learn to manage their stupidity.
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for "hardcore poem"?
Okay so the pregnant woman in the library didn`t get my `overdue` joke.
Just...sitting...thinking...planning my next move to get that new roll of toilet paper about 5 feet away from me.
My sister says god`s greatest gifts are unanswered prayers, so I bought her a vibrator because she`s obviously never had an orgasm.
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
When someone says I love you over the phone and you don`t feel the same, just say `I love youtube` but say it really fast!
times new roman walks into a bar. "sorry, we don`t serve your type."
Divorce: Step 1: She throws all your sh!t in the street Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
You`re the reason I wake up everyday. Just kidding I have a job.
I`ve created a new gym to help with the child obesity problem. There is no building, I am just slowly driving around neighborhoods in an ice cream truck without ever stopping.
I just devoured a six inch from Subway and I`m still not satisfied. I get it ladies. I get it.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
I tried yoga and I think my downward dog looked more like winnie the pooh getting stuck in rabbit`s door.
Can I just drop it like it’s luke warm? It’s been a long day and I’m tired.