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I`m always tempted to yell "Kevin!" mid-flight.
I`ve been hiding from exercise. I`m in the fitness protection program.
I knew the Psychic was no good the moment she accepted my check
You can stay, but your clothes must go.
What if God is a woman. Not only will I be going to Hell, but I`ll never hear the end of it.
I went for a 6 mile run tonight. The police are getting in much better shape these days.
When one door closes and another one opens, it`s time to pack up and leave because your house is clearly haunted.
I hate it when people dont know the differece between Ur and U`r
Life Lesson: Never ever, ever do anything you wouldn`t want to explain to a nurse in a busy ER.
Waterfalls are a beautiful, majestic sight as they pour down upon the rocky crags below. Unless you`re in a canoe and about to plummet to your death. Then waterfalls sorta suck.
Guys, if she says she’s crazy, she’s harmless. The real crazy ones never give you a damn clue.
Remember to always be yourself. Unless you suck.
Whenever I think of a funny status I always get a pen and write it down so I can use it later, and if the pen is too far away I just convince myself that it wasn’t that funny anyway.
Another year has passed. I`ve just about given up on the Mayans.
I can always tell when I`m drunk. I tend to drop things...like my standards