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Waffles are just pancakes with abs.
I feel like I could give a great NBA locker room speech. "Guys, we`re all millionaires, none of this matters."
Let´s drink tequila till you don´t remember what I suggest next..
Okay, let’s get this straight. There’s no way everone here has the best boyfriend in the world.
Whoever said the camera adds 10 pounds should stop eating cameras.
I hate it when people call dogs "stupid". I mean, when was the last time you saw a dog step in human poop?
If you respond to coworkers asking how your weekend was with turkey noises, they leave you alone.
Ferris Bueller did more in one day than I’ve done in my entire life.
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don`t think it`s weird when I have jam in my hair.
Keep it down kids!.. Daddy is trying to think of something stupid to say on the internet.
This cold weather makes me half the man I used to be.
I asked my wife what women really want, she said attentive lovers. Or maybe she said "a tent of lovers." I wasn`t really listening.
You know you are getting old when a bunch of annoying teenagers get murdered in a horror movie and you relate more with the killer.
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.