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Working from home means I save money on train tickets and pants, but spend more on vodka and pizza.
Taking down my Christmas tree would probably just be a waste of time at this point.
Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth
Don’t underestimate my ability to be hungry.
I did not say you are stupid, I just said that you have bad luck when you`re thinking.
The fridge is a clear example that what matters is what`s inside.
We look like we are being productive, but really, we are just talking sh!t about co-workers and how drunk we got last weekend.
“Oh boy, I can’t wait to be productive today.” – said no one ever
The problem with today`s children is that today`s parents are idiots.
The difference between me & normal people is the normal
Are you supposed to get an email that says “HAHAHAHAHA” after signing up for Match.com?
OK look, if I meet you for a date and you don`t look anything like your pic, then you`re buying drinks for me until you do.
Hey Lady!, I just deposited $43 dollars in THIS bank.. DON`T FROWN AT ME WHEN I TAKE 3 SUCKERS!
A fun way to "Break up" is to tell them to "Go long" and then never throw them the football.
Of all the advice given to me over the years, “There really is no bad time for a beer” has proved to be the most helpful.