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So what was the best thing before sliced bread?
My grocery list is just a piece of paper saying don`t run into anyone you know
Have a day. That`s about as inspirational I get.
It only takes a second to show someone how you really feel about them... the cops call it indecent exposure, but whatever
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people. “Alright, get in the basket”
When I see someone walking more than one dog I always think, "wow, that person must be really blind."
I saw something that reminded me of you.. so I flushed the toilet and washed my hands(:
You call it free samples, I call it a free all you can eat buffet.
Fact: Pornos aren`t based on actual events.
If you see me laughing like a crazy person, think nothing of it ..it`s just the voices in my head telling me jokes!
You’ve never truly lived until someone has posted a sign because of something you’ve done.
I`m not anti-social I`m just pro leave me the f*ck alone.
OMG guys!! im so happy!! the doctors just gave me a jacket so im always hugging myself!!
I’m writing this from the hospital. Don’t worry! The doctors say I’m going to be OK but I must warn you. The Dyson Ball Cleaner has a very misleading name!
My buddy told me he was going to Beerfest this weekend, I asked him where, he said "any bar I walk into!!!"