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Some call it alcoholism, I call it "keeping my emotions hydrated"
Okay, calm down. Its a spider. Just one tiny litt- HOLY MOLY IT MOVED!
It`s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn`t
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions
Unless you discovered a dead body, I don`t want to hear about your morning jog.
"Being naked isn`t fun" - said no one ever.
Everybody stop what you`re doing and play with crayons! You`re wlecome, enjoy the day.
If you love something, set it free. Maybe not sharks though. Or bees. Viruses. Lots of stuff really. Look, the point is don’t love anything.
The skinny girl inside me once tried to come out. I shut that b*tch up with a cupcake
Free snow at my house. Shovel all you want!
The best part about being an adult is, nobody can tell you, you can`t have ice cream for breakfast.
One time I threw a boomerang and lost it.. So now I have to live in constant fear.. O_o
I’m pretty sure the whole “ladies first” thing was created by a guy that just wanted to check out a girl’s butt.
I’m actually not funny. I’m just really mean and people think I’m joking.
You know, rumor has it that the Mona Lisa may have been the first selfie.