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It`s real cute how pedestrians confuse "right of way" with immortality.
Maybe early risers just aren’t as awesome at sleeping as I am.
!that embarrasing moment when you fake a call then a real one comes...!lol.
Saw some idiot put a water bottle where the Pringles go on the treadmill.
I was going to write something profound and memorable here, but I can`t remember what it was.
I really have important work to get done, but I really just want to sit here and complete a quiz on what percentage redneck I am..
Miley Cyrus and Justin Beiber were both answers on Jeopardy tonight. The end is near........
I wonder what I did in a previous life to get reincarnated as me...
My shrink says if I take these pills I won`t see you guys anymore.
LOL` the biggest lie on the internet.
Don`t, under any circumstance, believe I`ll return your Tupperware.
People at work tell me I have a lot of patience. Fact is… there are just way too many witnesses around
What if firemen acted like policemen and just drove around shooting water at anyone who looked like they might catch on fire.
If you have a Selfie Stick Pro, go back two spaces.
I call in sick on full moons just to make them wonder.