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Today has me seriously evaluating my policy of not drinking on the job.
I`m gaining weight for my role as "Before picture"
My hatred for Nicki Minaj probably stems from my fear of clowns.
I hate it when I mean to buy seedless grapes but instead I accidentally get...well you know...Oreos.
I hate it when chicks wear pink camo. I`m like, "girl" where you hiding? Candyland?
My sleep number is 151 ... Bacardi 151
If someone doesn’t stand up to let you pass them in movie theater seats, it’s totally cool and legal to fart in their face as you walk by.
I`m for driverless cars, but honestly, having to drive is the only thing standing in the way of me being a complete drunk piece of sh!t 24/7
Breaking news: Newt saw his shadow. Six more weeks of campaigning and attack ads.
Life Tip: Get a birthday card with anything you are embarrassed to buy.
I want one of those jobs where people ask, “Do you actually get paid for doing this?”
Dear women at Walmart with 6 screaming kids: if your wondering how that box of condoms got in your cart.... Your welcome!
I`m one of the nicest a$$holes you could ever hope to meet.
There are plenty of fish in the sea ...That`s cool and all....but I`m a human.
You know what’s funny? Lots of sh!t so lighten the f*ck up.