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When they say: "Wow, you`re really photogenic." What they mean: "Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are."
Stop dwelling on the past and start f*cking up the future.
It`s not the torch she carries for me that has me worried, it`s the gas can in her other hand.
Currently helping my son look for his chocolate that I ate last night.
Every job in the world should require their employees to enter and leave work in a Soul Train line.
Checked my bank balance at the ATM and was happy to see I had 707 dollars in it until I realized I was holding the receipt upside down and it said LOL instead.
I never get caught because I`ve watched all 27 seasons of Cops..
On a scale of 9 to 10, how would you rate me?
I hate taking down Christmas decorations just to put up Halloween decorations...
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
Confucius would have been great at Status Updates......
I used to eat natural food, until I heard people were dying of natural causes
I just don`t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
What did the crop say to the farmer? Stop picking on me
I`m trying to give up sexual innuendos. But it`s hard........so hard......