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This bulk box of peanuts I got from Costco tastes like styrofoam.
Did you know that if you light a candle under the moonlight and you say 3 times the name of the person you love, you will look really stupid doing that!
Can`t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
bored out of my mind in class i began staring into space... space happened to be right in front of me at the time...
If you ever come over unannounced, it`ll take me at least three minutes to answer the door because there is no way I was already wearing pants.
Doctors waiting room needs some music. And better lighting. And more women. And a pole in the middle of the room. And a buffet.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, scratch between my butt cheeks....I`m in public.
When I woke up this morning everything in my house had been stolen and replaced with exact replicas... WEIRD..
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
Thought I was having deja-vu. But it turns out, I do the exact same things every day.
Ya know what I really hate about mornings? People start talking to me!
You can get away with farting at the zoo because you can always blame the animals...
A woman just dropped a 20 dollar bill next to me. I thought, `What would Jesus do?`, so I turned it into wine ... Well, I bought wine.
change your birthday on facebook to today, see how many people say happy birthday for APRIL FOOLS!!!! lol
Everyone wants their kid to learn to walk until exactly 30 seconds after their kid learns to walk.