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Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today. I didn`t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles and pay to walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
If you’re going to walk really slowly in front of me you should at least have the courtesy to have a slammin booty.
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the sh!t out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
Men are like lottery tickets. Very exciting at first, until you scratch away the surface to reveal the loser beneath.
Some days your the duck. Some days your the goose.
Gaining weight while you owe me money is a big sign of disrespect.
what is the first thing a homeless person does when he`s on a computer? he searches through the recycle bin
I don`t think any of my vampire jokes will ever see the light of day.
When I see a tire swing swaying gently in the breeze, I like to believe its daydreaming about life on the open road.
Whatever “Estimated Time of Arrival” on the GPS. Challenge accepted.
Hash browns not tags.
I wish people would stop judging me before they find out how much of an a$$hole I actually am.
Tips for Guys on Valentine`s Day: Tell your girl you already got something and make her guess. She`ll automatically list things she wants.