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Don`t do anything you`re not prepared to explain to a paramedic...
Guy on plane : So, where are you going to? Me : I`m guessing it`s the same place you`re going.
Behind every great woman there is a man who loves doggystyle.
Don`t just lay there... Move! Bounce! Do something!! ~ me, pleading with my hair
I went to McDonalds, put 5 dollars on the counter and said "Surprise me". Because I never get what I ask for anyway!
You can always make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
I like to go to the bar and flip peoples license plates upside down, then go home and listen to my scanner.
I want my tombstone to say "It didn`t make me stronger."
If you start smacking people with your wife`s purse she won`t ask you to hold it for her anymore
There`s nothing a floored gas pedal and cranked music can`t cure.
It bothers me when I see tax money wasted on signs telling deer where to cross the road.
Just witnessed kids playing tag. What is this world coming to? Do their parents know they are outside, interacting, and getting exercise?
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
It must suck to be an air conditioner repairman. You spend your day working in buildings that have no air conditioning. When it`s fixed and finally cool, you leave.