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A dog running a hundred miles to retrieve a stick? That`s pretty far-fetched.
Since I`m getting older I`ve been thinking about my health. Should I work out 2 hrs a day like Jack Lalanne who was 96? Or smoke cigars like George Burns who lived to be 100?
finally joined craigs list. who wants to see my junk?
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they`d leave that one on too.
I love it when someone insults me. That means I don`t have to be nice anymore.
Although no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending.
I own a shop selling `CLOSED` signs. We haven`t had a single customer today.
The best thing about the internet is knowledge. You have all this knowledge at your fingertips! And we get to share what we learn with others! Oh...wait a second. I forgot about porn. OK I take it back. PORN is the best thing about the internet!
I don`t feel like folding the laundry, so I just restart the dryer
Your trophy wife is more of a participation trophy wife, isn`t she?
When I get married I plan on introducing my spouse as my ex-fiancé just to mess with people.
I like people the most when I`m by myself.
The early bird gets the worm! So does the late bird. They all get worms all the time; there`s tons of those things. Relax, there will always be a lota worms......
Dear Social Media, thanks for showing me that I can like people. So long as I don`t have to see, touch, or smell them.
I have noticed that everyone who is for abortion, has already been born.