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Helpful Tip: A ceiling fan won`t cut a bagel in half ... Not even on top speed
I don’t have an attitude problem… You have a problem with my attitude… That’s your problem, not mine.
I`d love to have a sex change. Preferably from `none` to `absolutely sh!tloads`.
Truth is, it’s not a “long story”… I’m just too damn lazy to explain it.
I can’t even imagine the self control required to work at a bubble wrap factory.
Did the Baha Men ever find their dogs? Did they put up posters or just sing that song?
Dear future boyfriend/girlfriend, where the hell are you?
I’m a pervert, but in a romantic way.
Tip for Sunday Church: Don`t forget to keep your phones on silent, especially if your ringtone is `I like big butts and I do not lie!`
Beach Rule #17: Never ask anyone under the age of 35 if they`ve seen your shuttlecock
Love your neighbor, but don`t get caught...
I`d engage you in a battle of wits, but I`m afraid you`re unarmed.
Living with a child is like using a blender with no lid...
Do you know what I hate worse than people? Groups of people.
When I die, I’d like someone to keep updating my Facebook status, just to freak people out… “Hey, who knew they had Wi-Fi up here?”