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Olympic Mens Ice Hockey USA vs Canada. Loser keeps Justin Bieber.
I made a p@nis out of Legos. A literal c*ck block.
"This is bullsh!t" - bull farmer giving barn tours
If women really knew what men think, there would be restraining orders on all men.
People all around the world are out doing interesting and productive things right now. You are reading this.
If there were "Box Tops for Education" on cases of beer, my kid`s school would be rich.
If anyone every texts me “who is this” I always respond “Jake from state farm”
Unwritten Rule of the Day: Don´t make eye contact while eating a banana.
To all the NSA agents reading this right now, I just want to say sorry that my life is so boring.
This morning, I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator. I was staring at her boobs when she said, “Would you please press 1?” So I did. I don’t remember much afterwards.
Really don`t see the need for pants for the rest of this day. :)
I hate it when I get too drunk and just kidding I never hate getting drunk!
I do love you for your mind, I just like your mind a lot more when you’re naked.
When your wife says she needs a new broom it`s best not to ask if she broke the last one in a crash landing.
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned. She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.