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I wish the "Do not ask me again" option existed in real life.
You’d think with as much time women spend looking at their ass in the mirror, they would be able to reverse into a parking spot.
This skinny girl just told me she "forgets" to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it`s contagious.
Remember, no matter how bad a day you may be having, no matter how sh!tty a situation you may be in... I`m feeling great. So it`s all good!
Let`s be honest, we all have someone on Facebook we wanna bang...with a pan.
I can take care of my drunk friends, so the responsibility of having children doesn`t worry me.
If jail isn`t supposed to be fun, why do they get bunk beds?
I`m watching Godzilla tonight.... His parents asked me to babysit
Bowling is my favorite sport because you don`t have to run and there`s beer five feet away.
Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.
Guys, if she says she`s crazy, she`s harmless. The real crazy ones never give you a damn clue.
I`m CDO. It`s like OCD but the letters are in alphabetical order. LIKE THEY SHOULD BE!!!
The most frightening thing about nightmares is realizing that they were created by your mind.
Walmart has their new Savings Catcher app... I`m thinking savings isn`t the only thing you will catch ...
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.