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Financial status: I hope United Airlines drags me off my flight
My girlfriend is half my size but takes up three quarters of the bed. If my math is correct, she’s a b!tch
Finally 21 and now legally able to do things which i have been doing since 15….
I hate it when I walk through a metal detector, and my abs of steel set it off.
If I ran NASA, it would be mandatory for the ground crew to be dressed as apes when the space shuttle lands.
Just remember, If we get caught you`re deaf and I don`t speak English.
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He`s told every other person on earth and I didn`t want y`all to be out of the loop.
Best of luck explaining why you’re still single at Thanksgiving and Charles Manson isn’t.
It`s scientifically proven the more you shut up then the less likely I am to punch you in the face.
I wish I drove a Volkswagen bug. It would be cool to know that every time I drove by a school bus, some kid was getting punched.
I walked into SeaWorld with a fishing pole once. I gotta tell ya, those security guards can really run.
When I woke up this morning everything in my house had been stolen and replaced with exact replicas... WEIRD..
Well it’s time to go from sitting on my office chair, to sitting in traffic, to sitting on my couch. I’m very skilled at sitting.
You`d think by episode 133 the Scooby Doo gang would know it`s a guy in a costume every time.
It must suck when billionaires wake up feeling like a million bucks.