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People who don`t know what they want should not use the drive thru!
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and a crappy party host.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
Why can`t my coworkers just play on the Internet like normal people instead of trying to engage me in conversation.
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don`t know if they`re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
I’ve discovered, the easiest way to change a flat tire is by not wearing a bra.
If you`re gonna label the silica gel "do not eat", maybe you should label everything in the box. I almost ate a shoe before someone stopped me
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don`t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
I told my wife that I have a sexual satisfaction guarantee policy. If you`re not completely satisfied, we`ll just do it all over again. Guaranteed.
With my background and genetics, you guys should be happy I am half as normal as I am.
Suddenly my prison fantasy football league just got real.
mermaids swim by twerking do you ever just think about that
At night I dump massive amounts of Legos on the floor in case anyone tries to rob my house bare footed.
Never underestimate the power of cleavage.
Cactuses are just heavily armed cucumbers.