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I cannot even begin to imagine the conversation that led to the first circumcision.
Dear children, when you look under your bed, what exactly are you planning to do when you find me? Sincerely, The Monster.
It’s not the destination, it’s the journey. Except when you’re heading to the bathroom with explosive diarrhea.
FYI: Real hippos at the zoo don’t eat marbles. They should post a sign or something.
I always read my girlfriend’s horoscope to see what kind of day I’m going to have.
If we agree, I`m probably being sarcastic ... Or I`m drunk
doesn`t mind that people start spreading rumors about me.. it’s when they spread the truth that I’m screwed ;)
In my defense, I was left un-supervised...
Women are fascinated by mythical creatures like unicorns, vampires, and men who are good listeners...
No matter what happens this month, at least you’re not a turkey.
The only instant messaging I enjoy is with my middle finger.
Hate cleaning my floors...how fast would I go to hell if I got a blind roommate and replaced his cane with a swiffer?
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
The only correct answer to the question are you sleeping is no.
I just spent a lot of time trying to form a thought when it would`ve been easier to just say, "F*ck it."