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I force my dog to watch animal abuse commercials just to show him how good he has it.
Turkish ruler Erdogan was at the White House this week. Sources say he arrived very early so he could beat the crowd.
Why does this membership application to the YMCA not have "The Village People" as an option for "How did you hear about us?"
I`d better check my phone for texts from friends. *checks phone* Well, I`d better get some friends...
Therapy helps ... but screaming obscenities is faster and cheaper!
that moment when somebody calls your house phone and ask where you are
Don`t tell me I look tired unless you`re offering to carry me
If video games have taught me anything, it`s that you`ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss.
"Just Be yourself" is something I rarely hear from people who know me well.
Time is precious ... waste it wisely!
Despite what people may tell you, its the fat that makes you look fat... NOT the dress!! lol
Insomnia improves your math skills. You spend all night calculating how much sleep you`ll get if you "fall asleep right now".
You`d think by episode 133 the Scooby Doo gang would know it`s a guy in a costume every time.
If at first you don’t succeed, try doing it the way I told you to.
Fitness? More like, fitness whole pizza in my mouth.