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I`d hate to be a dragon .....I`d get so pissed tryin to blow out my birthday candles.
Keychains were invented so that you can lose all of your keys at once.
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
If you really think about it, "Nightlife" is just a fancy word for drinking alcohol at a place that isn`t your house.
If I say “it’s a great day to be alive,” it’s because those are literally my only plans.
I wonder if dogs ever wake up in the morning and think "dear god please don`t take me jogging with you today"?
Sometimes I feel like a loser for spending so much time on Facebook. Then I remember there are people out there who comment on pornhub videos
When I go through an automated car wash I close my eyes, because it`s easier to pretend I`m in a car that way.
My lifetime stats are pretty average until you move over to the Pizza Consumed column.
Some people should use a glue stick for lip balm
We`re all just nudists in disguise...
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I`m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
Making good decisions doesn’t really go with my outfit.
Whenever you can`t think of anything to say in therapy just go with, "I`ve been thinking about killing you."
Pink camouflage: I`m like, where you hiding? Candyland?