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Make somebody happy today... mind your own business!!!
Woke up with morning wood but she wouldn`t!
Nothing says "I mean business" like bringing a shopping cart to the liquor store.
I went to McDonald`s to grab my boys a couple of Happy meals. The guy serving me says "Would you like a Boy Toy"? I was like, "listen hear you little sh!t, you couldn`t handle me if you tried"!! What is this world coming too... :))
The more neighbors I spy on through my binoculars, the creepier I think all my neighbors are!
You know those orange cones they put on the highway for you to knock down? I just beat my high score last night!
Nothing is more discouraging that unappreciated sarcasm.
Did the Baha Men ever find their dogs? Did they put up posters or just sing that song?
If your friends don`t make fun of you, they`re not really your friends.
Whoever said you can`t "like" your own status is just not awesome enough to do it.
The last time I saw something as ugly as your face I pinned a tail on it.
Ghetto wet floor sign: Caution Bitches Be Trippin
Why is it called mooning when you`re actually showing uranus?
i`m my own therapist...which explains so much.
My boyfriend isn`t allowed to break up with me. You wanna see other people? Look out the window.