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Sometimes I wonder how people who don`t have kids get their TV remotes from the other side of the room.
Last night we were in bed and I asked my wife "What would you like to do to my body more than anything else?" She said "Identify it."
I don`t know why beer companies bother with an expiration date. It`s never going to make it anywhere near that.
is wondering why Facebook bothers to give the option of "liking" my own comment? Of course I like my own comments. I´m awesome..
Guess what I saw today? Everything I looked at.
The fact that Pitbul is even considered a musician is more disgusting than the fact that toothpaste was invented years after french kissing was.
Learn a lesson from your dog. No matter what life brings you, kick some grass over that crap and move on.
The first step is admitting you’re a problem.
Likes doing tokyo drifts with the shopping carts when I round the corner of each isle at Walmart.
I’m no Dr. Phil, but I bet if you tell at least 5 people to f*ck off today, you’ll feel better.
The irony of all this is, the internet was created to save us time...
Vaginas are like the weather. When it`s wet, it`s time to go inside.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it`s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can`t really touch anything.
When people stare at me, I assume its because they are taking notes on how to be a bad a$$ motherf*cker.
I prefer a slowie not a quickie.