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When the zombie apocalypse hits, I know EXACTLY who I`m tripping first...
I`m really sick and tired of food having calories...
I hate buying feminine products! How am I supposed to know if this is the right kind of broom or not?
Ever notice how the automatic flush sensors in public restrooms kinda look like hidden cameras?
Gentlemen may not be extinct, but they are definitely endangered
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the Escape key
Who cares how I got inside your house. What matters is that we`re together now.
I try not to laugh at my own jokes… but we all know I’m Hilarious.
You`re exceeding the limits of my medication. Please go away.
Famous words from Fergie... "Boom Boom Pow!" Happy 4th of July!!
Just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream.
Made the decision that I`m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
Hey Lady!, I just deposited $43 dollars in THIS bank.. DON`T FROWN AT ME WHEN I TAKE 3 SUCKERS!
Instead of spending $2,000 on a purse, some of you ladies should use the money for therapy sessions.