Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
Everyone is gifted. But not everyone opens their present.
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
People who are offended by offensive things offend me.
My wife says "YOU`RE DRUNK!" like it is a bad thing.
The secret to dancing is to pretend you have a wedgie and you`re trying to get it unstuck without using your hands.
Please accept this bundle of fragrant plants grown expressly to be killed while in their prime as a token of my love for you.
I love water. Especially when it`s frozen and surrounded by vodka.
I took a sexual harassment course this afternoon ....I think I`m gonna be pretty good at it.
i only drink on days that end with y
You should NEVER say and I mean NEVER say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she`s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at the moment.. :|
You know it`s been a good night when you wake up and see bite marks on the walls...
I`m going to hire two private detectives to follow each other .
Why be difficult, when with a bit of effort, you can be totally impossible!
I love food, napping on the couch, and getting super excited about car rides, I`m basically a golden retriever.
Nothing tells your friends you`ve made it in life quite like owning a 4 slice toaster.