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If I don`t make at least one person scream, "WTF" then my day is not done yet.
The hardest part about being rejected is that I end up liking them even more as a person for their ability to make great decisions.
Wow.. I didn`t know spandex could hold that much.
Your family tree must look like a cactus........everybody on it is a pr!ck
I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all my missing socks.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
When I was young I was scared of the dark. Now when I see my electricity bill I am scared of the lights.
Dear family, thank you for all those wonderful childhood memories ... Here`s my therapy bill.
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I`m like, that`s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I`m more fun than I actually am
Does Holy Crap comes from Holy Cow.?
I wondered how smokers could afford them, until I realized they don`t have to save for retirement..
Why is it when you take a break from Facebook everyone assumes you`re happy and in love ... Maybe I was in jail.
Pretty sure I know what my wife`s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, "A 3-way?" she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
The waitress asked if I was done with that, I said yes but I`m married to it.
If you’re a douchebag, it’s so easy to find the right hat.