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It`s not so much blowing my diet as preventing the fudgesicles from developing freezer burn.
You know how people dread going to the dentist? I feel that way about getting out of bed.
I tried to make both ends meet, but I`m a poor judge of distance.
If you think your having a bad day ... You could be digging your own grave at gun point and find buried treasure.
You call it "Road Rage". I call it "Aggressively maneuvering around a$$holes that don`t know how to f*cking drive."
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and my number of friends.
Apparently, when people say "I could use a hand" it doesn`t mean they want to get slapped in the face.
This morning, I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator. I was staring at her boobs when she said, “Would you please press 1?” So I did. I don’t remember much afterwards.
The most effective way to torture young people is to make them watch old people use a computer.
Just one more drink and then I`m outta here" is one of my favorite lies.
Does this couch I’m laying on make me look unmotivated?
Recent survey asked people in the U.S if there are too many immigrants: 17% said yes, 83% said Lo siento, no hablan Inglés
In my experience, temporary insanity can last a long time.
When I text someone and they don`t text me back, I automatically assume that they fainted from the excitement.
I like to listen to mexican radio but I dont know what they are singing or saying so I just pretend they are singing about how awesome I am.