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Before I wash my socks, I just throw one in the trash.
Please don`t hastag out loud...
I hate to sound racist, but.. all of your baby ultrasounds look the same.
What happens on online stays online, forever and ever.
WOW! This gym thing is a lot harder than it looked on Instagram.
I like to spend Monday morning trying to remember what I was avoiding doing at work on Friday.
In a perfect world Taco Bell would deliver...
Has it ever occurred to optimists and pessimists that the glass is refillable?
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Cake and pie can’t compete. If you put candles in a cake it’s birthday cake. Put candles in a pie and someone’s drunk in the kitchen.
U make me wish I had more middle fingers
The party`s not over `till you smile for the mugshot
I hate driving so much that I even ring for taxis on grand theft auto.
I really wish Wal-Mart had a 10 teeth or more line...
Tip to reduce weight, first turn your head to the left and then turn it to the right. Repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.