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I`m like the stink in your feet.....I will always be with you.
I’m cutting the sleeves off my Snuggie because it makes me look more badass.
I bet more people would call the Gambling Addicts Helpline if they made every 5th caller a winner.
Do you ever notice that when you´re driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?
Live today like it`s your last!! But pay your bills and use a condom just in case it isn`t.
If you have a parrot and you don’t teach it to say,”Help, they’ve turned me into a parrot” ...you`re wasting everybody’s time.
I don`t know what is longer. A microwave minute or a treadmill minute.
You are not stupid, I just think you have bad luck when thinking.
If you feel bad because you didn’t do well on a final, just remember someone from your hometown is still trying to become a rapper.
My blood test came back as B+ Any tips how I can get an A+ next time?
I`m a firm believer that if something takes 10 minutes to cook on 200 degrees then it should only take 5 minutes to cook on 400 degrees
When girls flash its called, "girls gone wild" when men flash its call ... "America`s most wanted"
I`ve been sober 136 days. Not in a row, but still...
I assume that a Columbus Day sale means I can just walk into a store and take whatever I want.
Despite its name, Gatorade is pretty much fatal to alligators. I’m not allowed to volunteer at the zoo anymore.