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Tomorrow I will live in the moment, unless it`s unpleasant, in which case I will eat a cookie.
Wouldn`t it be ironical to die in a living room?
Couples Halloween costumes always end up looking like one person went along with it to save the relationship.
"Wow, you look good today!” is not a compliment if it comes with a genuinely surprised look.
Remember the good ole days when we had to get out of bed to use the Internet.
It`s that time of the evening where my beer bottle has magically turned into a microphone again.
I was going to exercise this morning, but then all the sprinkles would fall off my cupcake.
Okay, I am getting really irritated. This is the 5th ATM I`ve been to today that`s had "insufficient funds".
Dear penis, thanks for not bleeding once a month. Sincerely, every man ever.
I like to stand 20 ft in front of the Walmart greeter and greet people before he gets a chance.
I wasn`t going to get so many groceries, but there was a new girl working today and she took my check.
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find `em.
I’m posing nude for an art class this evening. Nobody asked me to. I think they’re making ceramic bowls.
An empty fridge is a sad fridge.
I`m starting to think I overuse exclamation points. It ends today. Right now. I`ll never ever use one again. I`m so excited about it. Yes.