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My TV volume is always set at "f*ck the neighbors".
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
I`m an organ donor, but I`m pretty sure all they`re going to use my liver for is "after" photos.
If I`ve learned anything from 50 Shades of Grey, its that women still haven`t figured out you can watch porn at home... for free.
I`m at my best mathematically when I wake up before the time my alarm is set for
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they`re way too big for him.
Just heard some guy yell "F**K!" ... I thought this was impressive because not many people can pronounce asterisks.
What is depression? Depression is when you buy a new hula-hoop and it fits you.
If you reach your hand into a woman`s purse, it crosses into a parallel universe containing everything but the one thing you`re looking for.
I always have a note in my pocket that says "john did it" just in case I`m murdered because I don`t want him to remarry
Football: 22 people on the field desperately in need of rest and 75,000 in the stands desperately in need of exercise.
How Big is Infinity?
Just got rid of 150lbs of ugly fat ... Got divorced.
Every pizza is a personal pizza if you eat the entire thing.
To the individual who sat outside in their car, across the street from our house, at 530 am and had Led Zepplens Immigrant Song blaring at full volume, I have one thing to say to you! AWESOME CHOICE DUDE!!!!!!!