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SINGLE GUYS: Nervous about flirting with a woman? Just remember: they`re smart, confident, and aware they don`t need us, so yeah, you should be worried.
Do you ever just look at a girl and instantly know she posts her daily horoscope on Facebook and quotes Marilyn Monroe?
The length of your "About me" section on Facebook is directly proportional to how annoying you are in real life.
One time I asked some girl what she was thinking. By the time she finished her thought we had 2 children.
Dude, I can`t post AND know when the light turns green. I`m pretty, not magical.
Don`t get me started Bitches, I don`t come with brakes.
It must really suck to take life so seriously that you can’t enjoy it.
I just read the words "untimely death" and thought, "Man, I hope my death is timely."
My doctor told me, "DON`T mix this medicine with alcohol or you could wake up somewhere naked with a monkey on your arm." CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
Happiness is realizing you can have as many drinks as you want ... cause you`re not driving.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
When you`re a kid, dick jokes are considered adult content, but when you`re an adult, they`re considered immature.
If I ever get arrested I am going to ask for a status update instead of a phone call.
I’ve yet to be intimidated by a fancy wine list thanks to my vast knowledge of fine wines and my eeny, meeny, miny, moe system.