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I’m not drunk, I’m just exhausted from drinking all night.
Remember that one time the cops pulled you over, then let you go because they had a more interesting call. You are welcome.
It`s weird how in England the passenger drives the car
Things I hate about work: 1. Waking up 2. Humans 3. Working
Well aren`t you a f*cking waste of two billion years of evolution.
I had to go on two diets because one wasn`t giving me enough food.
Today I saw a sign for a suicide helpline on the back of a bus. Wouldn`t it be a lot more helpful if it was on the front?
If you died and went to he!l, how long will it take you to realise that you aren`t still at work?
The world is full of nice guys who want naughty girls who want bad boys who want nice girls who want nice guys.
Here’s a joke for all you mind readers out there…
Some of my friendships are bad for my liver.
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it…so I said “Implants?”
Why is powdered milk called ‘Instant milk’? Actual milk is far more instant.
Can I get likes for no reason?
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.