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It`s true alcohol kills people, but how many are born because of it?
“If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my best” literally translates to “I’m a loud, sloppy drunk.”
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
Happy 4th of July ... U can toss out the Christmas tree now
Video games don`t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do.
I always try to behave on Friday nights but there are usually too many other options.
I stay a bit overweight because it wouldn`t be fair to all the skinny people if I were this attractive, intelligent, funny and thin. It`s a public service really.
Life is like toilet paper....either you`re on a roll....or you`re taking sh*t from some asshole
Any time someone says "have you seen that YouTube video?" I always say yes......... Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
I"m not saying that I am batman, i`m just saying no one has ever seen me and batman in a room together
I don´t know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!
Whenever I hear "let me tell you the truth", I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say "brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want."
Don`t cry because it`s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
Social Media: Because I like to socialize with cool people without having to speak, wear pants or get off the couch.
I call in sick on full moons just to make them wonder.