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Sometimes you can tell it’s going to be a bad day when someone you don’t like is smiling.
“Until death do us part” means we’re all single in heaven, right?
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
I’m not shy. I’m just holding back my awesomeness so I don’t intimidate you.
Ever wanna tell someone to shut the f*ck up even when they are not speaking
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
*Spoiler Alert*--- Siamese cats are just one cat ... not two cats in one.
I could write an entire book on excuses... but I have to drop my dog off at the airport.
Sometimes I use big words that I don’t fully understand in an effort to make myself sound more photosynthesis.
If you enter a room and there`s no food, you`re in the wrong room.
I think my problem is that I have really fantastic bad ideas…
On the bright side, it’s Friday Eve Eve Eve.
It seems racist that they call it Black Friday just because a bunch of people are trying to get into stores in the middle of the night.
Just gave the Earth a one-star rating and a bad review on TripAdvisor to discourage any aliens that were planning an invasion.
Men at 25 play football. Men at 40 play tennis. Men at 60 play golf. Have you noticed that as you get older your balls get smaller?