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People who are about to tell you something then say "never mind" are the reason why I sometimes admire serial killers
What do you call a woman with big breasts who doesn`t make sandwiches? A compromise.
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night ... From the dryer
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people. “Alright, get in the basket”
Why do guys go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. There`s like 10 women to each man and they`re already there looking for things they don`t need.
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
It`s not condescending if they`re stupid.
It turns out if you cry at the DMV they`ll let you take a second photo
Tupperware: When you want to throw out your food some other day.
Hopefully because of social networking, I`ve tarnished my reputation enough for anybody to ever place me in a role of great responsibility.
Whoever said time heals all wounds never had their leg bitten off by a shark.
They`ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that`s been open for more than 2 years.
Nothing says " My divorce didn`t go as planned " quite like the guy with grocery bags hanging on the sides of his bicycles handlebars