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Wanna know what it`s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
Seems like Pizza Hut should be able to afford a house by now.
I`m only 2 girls short of a threesome.
I feel like water solves all problems. Wanna lose weight? drink water .. clear face ? Drink water.. Tired of your better half? Drown them
Pick a woman with wits. Wits will never sag.
“Shh.. Do you hear that?” “What? I heard nothing.” “Exactly, it’s the sound of no one caring.”
Apparently, 4 people die every year trying to put their pants on... - me, explaining to my (ex)boss why I went in with no pants
Blacking out when you’re drunk is god’s way of telling you that it’s none of your business what you do when you’re drunk.
What does envelope 1 of 3 on my credit card bill mean?
It`s Sunday or as I like to call it, "No pants day".
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
Share this if you know someone who is alive today simply because you don`t want to go to prison.
I`m just 1 nap, 8 beers, 2 orgasms and my own personal robot away from this being the best day ever.
My wife looks super hot without glasses. That’s why I stopped wearing them.
Friends who buy you food are friends for life.