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I`m at my most judgmental when standing behind someone in a buffet line.
If the human race has a "signature move," its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
The divorce rate among my socks is astonishing.
Adulthood is like losing your mom in the grocery store for the rest of your life.
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I`ve never been more scared of a drink in all my life.
I got kicked out of the public swimming pool today. Apparently the `Breast Stroke` wasn`t what I thought it was.
I wonder how many 5 Hour Energy`s it would take to levitate?
Improve your day by ordering coffee in the voice you use for your pets
90% of the apps on my phone don’t do anything except send me notices that there’s a new version of itself.
Just saw a homeless dude with a sign reading "Hungry Hungry Hobo"... I shouldn`t laugh right?
My nickname at work is "HR wants to see you"
There is no vulnerable feeling like when you are about to sneeze ... with a mouthful of rice.
I may not be the only egomaniac around here, but I’m the only one that matters.
The best way to hang up on someone is to do it in the middle of your own sentence, that way they will just think you lost service.
Volleyball is just a more intense game of "Don`t let the balloon touch the floor"