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Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, I’m coming to your house with a facking baseball bat.
This post is just for you.
I was having breakfast at a friend`s house and she said "How do you take your coffee?" I said "Very seriously."
No, I’m not funny. I’m just really mean and everyone thinks I’m joking.
About to stick a pin in your voodoo doll.... Brace yourself.
Half of life is screwing up…the other half is dealing with it.
Know why girls cross their arms when they`re angry? Boobs. Just a little reminder of who`s in charge around here.
i was sooo funny i cracked me off.......
I thought about exercising all day long. I am so exhausted.
I don`t care how old I am, if I go out to eat and there are crayons and paper placemats with puzzles... game on!
This morning someone threw Skittles at me and said "Taste the Rainbow", I ran them over with my car and sang,"Nationwide is on your side"
Thanksgiving is a great time to test the boundaries of how drunk you can get before your family members notice.
I like to stop the microwave with 1 second to go. Makes me feel like a bomb defusal expert.
Doormats are a gateway rug.
I wish all my freckles would just mix into a tan.