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I`m pretty sure my guardian angel just sits there watching me suffer, while rolling her eyes and painting her nails.
There`s nothing better than a nap after a good nights sleep.
Just woke up next to my bed. Not sure if I fell out or didn`t quite make it in.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over? Me: pfft. I could think of like fifty reasons, I’m not falling for that.
The secret to dancing is to pretend you have a wedgie and you`re trying to get it unstuck without using your hands.
Behind every great women is a man checking out her a$$
I think about hiring a maid way too often for someone who has plenty of time to clean.
I don`t care how much you like the soap. Never leave a public restroom smelling your fingers.
Every so often I’ll listen to my wife talk non stop for hours at a time, to remind myself why people wander into traffic without looking.
MAY` contain nudity? Either it does or it doesn`t. DON`T WASTE MY TIME
When I`m on my deathbed, I`m definitely going to ask if I can be moved to a different bed.
Every time I`m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
you know you have a kid personality when you think step brothers is the greatest movie ever.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Aaron Hernandez`s next jersey is going to be a jailhouse jumpsuit!