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In the morning instead of having coffee and reading my horoscope, I have coffee and unfriend anyone who posts their horoscope.
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
When I want to trim down my friend`s Facebook list I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
Caller ID should be more detailed~ "Wants Help Moving" "Going to Whine" "Will Ask to Borrow Money"
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 7 am is sexy... Then yeah, I`m your guy.
I have a bumper sticker that says "Honk if you think I`m sexy!" Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.
I was sitting on the toilet when the guy in the stall next to me started smoking. Disgusting. I nearly couldn`t finish my sandwich.
People who have more than 10 items in the express line… We see you and we are judging you.
I’m tired of chasing my dreams, I`m just going to ask them where their going and meet them there later.
It`s ok to admit when you`re wrong. Just don`t tell anyone.
Whenever I fill out a job application with a box for "Race," I add a question mark and then write, "Anytime. Anywhere."
I bought a little bag of air today, and the company that made it were kind enough to put some potato chips in it.
You wanna know where I`m ticklish? Hawaii.
Bartenders are basically professionals that we hire to poison us very slowly in creative ways.