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Just deserts: When a cashier hands you dollar bills back as change. Hold them up to the light like they do when you pay them.
My mother was feeling cold so now I`m wearing a sweater.
I`m home by myself this evening. My wife is out at Kohl`s buying another load of laundry.
I started to compliment my neighbors on their new wallpaper but then I realized they can`t hear me through binoculars.
I’m not sure why, but to me Cheerios sound like the happiest of all circular shaped cereals.
So can we just skip to summer now?
The party`s not over `till you smile for the mugshot
Just a word of advice for all you single guys having a hard time out there, Forget the clubs, forget the churches, forget the online dating sites, as the best places to meet single women are the freezer section and down the cat food isle.....
Dear Car driving 40mph on the highway this morning. It`s only a 1/4“ of snow plus you have a "Jesus Fish" on your bumper. You`ll be just fine.
"Nothing there? Better bark at it." - my dog
Trying to be less negative but it`ll never work.
Tequila is Spanish for I’m open to waking up anywhere.
Hi, you`ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
You had me at Rice Krispies Treats