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I`m gonna start a secret porn industry and call it "The Illuminaughty"
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn`t mean together.
In movies, do actors wear costume underwear? Or underwear from home? The whole thing is confusing. I don`t think I can keep watching movies
My credit card company says I have an outstanding balance. I’m flattered.
Make sure your goals are unattainable so you`ll feel a little better about giving up later
Shopping at the Dollar Tree makes me feel rich and poor at the same time
is easily distracted by shiny objects.
A man tried to sell me a coffin today. I told him that`s the last thing I need.
Not quite feeling myself today. I`m going to see if booze helps...
Son: am I adopted? Me: not yet, but we`re hopeful.
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the taser wrong.
They keep telling me theres plenty of fish in the sea, but I havent caught one in years, soooo I continue to sit here, holding my rod.
He who laughs first, must be connected to wi-fi.
Don’t get me wrong, you are hot as hell, I am just too lazy to stalk right now.