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Crap, summer is here and I`m nowhere near in drinking shape yet.
I`m changing my voicemail greeting to: Please hang up and text me, thanks. ;)
There should be an "undo" button in an elevator for when you accidentally hit the wrong floor.
I swear this is the last time I watch Groundhog Day
Reasons to get out of bed: None.
I read my kids a few select facebook statuses before bed, kiss them on their heads, and whisper, "This is why we have to stay in school"
People – the most gentle, loving, kind, sympathetic, peaceful and caring creatures in the world. Especially when they need something from you.
There are a lot of side effects to smoking weed. Like never shutting up about the fact that you smoke weed.
Hitting on women at this PTA meeting would probably be easier if I actually had a kid at this school.
I need a fixed income. Mine is broken.
I`m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
Some people live life in the fast lane. You’re in oncoming traffic.
If at first you don’t succeed, you shouldn’t diffuse bombs.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won`t let me use their microwave.
If you want to go running with me, you`d better be prepared to walk a lot.