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If you think you`re bad with words, imagine the first guy to say "There there" when consoling someone
Hiding from people at parties is my cardio.
One time I snuck a whole rotisserie chicken into a movie, cause candy is for amateurs.
Helpful Tip: When your wife ask whats on TV, don`t say dust.
All I`m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old...
On your deathbed tell everyone "pray for me" then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says "pray harder next time."
I have a fear of elevators, but I have an even greater fear of exercise.
Best grilled cheese ever!! All I did was add a hamburger patty.
At a wedding reception I recently attended someone said, "All the married men please stand next to the person who has made your life worth living." The bartender was nearly crushed to death.
A dirty mind is f*cking beautiful!
Maybe one day a loooong time ago a kid decided to play hide and seek with his pet Bigfoot but just didn`t explain the game properly.
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
My favorite part of seeing someone I know in public is pretending I didn’t.
48 states observe daylight savings time. The other two clock block.
Redneck`s famous last words: "Is that enough duck tape?"