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We live in a society that’s the most knowledgeable about a zombie apocalypse, but the most likely to be eaten while staring at our phones.
We are so fortunate not to live in China, they have to hide their posts in cookies.
Talking louder does not make you any less wrong.
Before I die I`m going to eat a bag of popcorn kernels. My cremation should be spectacular.
People who say, “Happy New Year” to you on the 4th of January are not really your friends.
Whenever I see a really hot girl with an ugly guy, I think "lottery winner".
Does the 5 second rule apply to soup? Please answer quickly!
Hate to break it to you mom, but my friends do not care if my room is messy, They care whether or not there’s food
According to science the atoms in my body contain the energy of 30 hydrogen bombs, and yet, not enough energy to get up early and go jogging.
Im afraid to go outside or even sit next to a window during an lightening storm. Im afraid that I`ll get zapped! I`m scared that God is gonna get me!!!
My hearing is fine. There`s no need to repeat yourself! I ignored you perfectly well the first time.
If cartoons can wear the same clothes everyday then so can I, dammit!
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets and we turned out fine. And you know what else? Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets and we turned out fine.
The hardest things about beginning any new relationship has got to be learning how to fart quietly again.
Girls here`s an idea, instead of spending all that money on makeup. Just buy your guy a bottle of Jack Daniels.