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I don`t ever know where I`m at till I`m there
Being `clean and sober` means I`ve showered and I`m headed to the liquor store.
Remember when there was more important crap to do besides Facebook all day? Me neither.
There are so many scams on the Internet now these days, but for $19.95 I can show you how to avoid them.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes a great Subway sandwich.
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it`s cause I`m afraid she might try to poison me.
Apparently some strangers don’t need a hug.
The key to eating healthy is to avoid any food that has a TV commercial.
Boobs are like the Sun. You can stare at them directly just for a few seconds, but if you put on sunglasses, you can stare as much as you want!
I`m going to start tackling random guys in football jerseys saying "look how he`s dressed. He was asking for it!"
Dear vegetarians, thanks for saving all the good food for us.
You know who your true friends are when they call you at 3AM just to tell you they love you and that their drunk...
It would serve me better if they put shopping carts in the middle of the store where my pride realizes I have too much sh!t to carry.
If I ever start a band, I`m going to call it The Voices in My Head. Think of all the fun ways you can tell other people what you`re listening to...