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I saw a poor old lady fall over today, at least I presume she was poor, she only had $ 1,20 in her purse
I hate it when I mentally undress a woman and my OCD kicks in and I start folding her clothes.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
My secret ingredient is letting somebody else cook.
What do you mean this posting of the BBQ ribs you made is not an invite?
It`s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
A lot of people are only alive because I shed too much hair to ever get away with murder.
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
My ex got run down by a bus today. I thought "Wow, that could have been me!" but I can`t drive a bus.
I bought a pair of Meatloaf underwear today. On the front they say `I would do anything for love`. On the back, `But I wont do that!`
The best part about going to Wal-Mart is having the book aisles all to yourself.
I did not steal your drink. You abandoned it and I rescued it.
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
We are best friends. Always remember that if you fall, I will pick you up… After I finish laughing.
Of course women have cleaner minds than men. They change them so damn often.