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Anyone else immediately turn down the car radio the second you think you might be lost?
If running on a treadmill was the only way to recharge our phones we would be the healthiest mofos on the planet.
I like restaurants because the people have to be nice and feed you.
Instructions for having an adventure: 1. Stand outside restaurant. 2. Wait for someone to ask if you`re the valet. 3. Say yes.
If you allow your pets to roam free in our neighborhood, Iām gonna put party hats on em. This is non-negotiable.
If you were a Pokemon, I`d choose you.
Think about what last call would look like if Walmart had a bar
Dear whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office ā I will track you down. You have my Word.
If cockroaches can survive atomic bombs and chemical warfare, what the f*ck is in a can of Raid?
Life is like a box of chocolates. They never last as long for fat people.
I`ve robbed banks before...and they`re never getting their pens back.
Sometimes, the first step to forgiveness is understanding that the other person is an idiot.
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
Iām in a rush to go home and do absolutely nothing.
Do you want to hear a joke about constipation and dementia? ...Well, tough sh!t, I forgot it.