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I wish my money would have sex in my wallet and multiply
I swear I`m allergic to alcohol. Every time I drink I seem to break out in handcuffs.
My son and his friends are great ... They always spray the house with air freshener before I get home.
There were only 3 commandments until Moses’ wife got involved.
They say you`re not supposed to go to the grocery store when you`re hungry. It`s been several days now, what should I do?
"I just launched a new fragrance!" - a great way to announce a fart
There`s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
Sometimes I wish that I could put my wife on airplane mode.
My friends and I played fantasy football in high-school. No league, we just constantly thought about the cheerleaders.
The thing I miss most about being young is knowing everything.
Hate to break it to you mom, but my friends do not care if my room is messy, They care whether or not there’s food
A lot of guys get married just because they`re hungry.
My newsfeed looks like a cross between a Civil War Soldier and ZZ Top photo album.
iTunes got it all wrong, the hottest single of the year is me.
Went to Walmart yesterday and bought me a new toilet brush, I think I am gonna go back to using paper, it is much more gentle on the netherlands........