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Taking selfies is a lot of work when you’re not attractive.
You should be able to park in an “expecting mother” parking space if you’re waiting for your mom.
Golf, except there`s no balls or clubs or anything, and you just drive around in a cart and drink.
I hate it when I mean to buy seedless grapes but instead I accidentally get...well you know...Oreos.
Never make decisions when you are angry....or horny.
So I was thinking... since the kids get the Easter bunny, why shouldn`t I expect a visit from a Playboy bunny today?
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have Internet.
People are obsessed with the front seat of the car but when you get in a bus, you go straight to the back
If you tickle me, I’m not responsible for your injuries.
I don`t care what the expiration date says, I have to smell it
Retirement plans compared .. If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00. With Enron, you would have $16.50 left of the original $1000. With WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left. If you had purchased $1000.00 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $49.00 left. If you had purchased United Airlines, you would have nothing left. But, if you had purchased $1000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for recycl
I probably shouldn’t have driven home from the bar last night ... Especially as I walked there in the first place.
It`s not my fault you thought I was normal.
I’m not implying you’re stupid. I’m saying it outright. Here, I wrote it in crayon to help you understand.
What I’m really looking for in a friend is loyalty. And a pool. Mainly just a pool.