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Married sext: I’m not wearing any underwear, because you never put the f*cking laundry in the dryer like I asked you to 100 times.
A person who is bad at math should never take a calculated risk.
Met a girl for a first date and quickly found out that her version of "Do you want to go downtown?" is vastly different than mine.
If my sarcasm confuses you it`s because you`re stupid.
In my defense, your honor, he had the keyboard clicking sound on his phone turned on
I realized I eat too much fast food so I decided I would start cooking for myself. Does anyone here know how to "mcnugget" a chicken?
Convincing my dog I really threw the ball is the closest I’ll ever get to being a magician.
Big shout-out to slugs! Those little guys are out there everyday, doing all the same stuff as snails but without helmets.
I love it when someone insults me. That means I don`t have to be nice anymore.
A friend came over visibly shaken. He said he had just slept with his 3rd cousin. I told him, if it upsets you that much quit counting them.
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
I just made an emergency survival kit. You know, for emergencies. It looks like all my other kits, but don`t be fooled; this one is red and has more liquor.
I always put a little umbrella in my drink so it doesn`t dilute in the shower.
The weather is so nice. I think I’ll go outside and watch other people run.
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I`m having sex ... Probably with the other sock.