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I like the part of the day where we eat the food.
Sometimes I get road rage standing in lines.
The loudest possible way to open a bag of chips is to try and do it quietly.
Miracle Whip is a bit of an exaggeration if you ask me.
Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?
I only accept apologies in cash.
Why do sandwiches taste so much better when they are cut diagonally?
Why Am I Sober? - A Horror Story
If anyone has any terrible ideas, I`ve historically been very open to them.
Picture a scavenger hunt where the only items on the list are "your house keys" and "your house." Well, son, that`s what drinking is like.
Liquid sanity: I call it alcohol..!!
If you ever think someone’s too cute to talk to just remember that they poop too.
I`m not giving the kids a time out. I`m giving myself one. The thought of sitting in a corner & being ignored sounds just heavenly.
I can’t decide if the drinks are too weak or if my tolerance is too strong.
If my week was a YouTube video, Monday would be that crappy ad that it doesn`t let you skip.