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Apparently, you can only say "look at you! You got so big!" to children,,, old girlfriends tend to get offended.
That awkward moment when im in the Airport, I walk through the metal detector, and my abs of steel set it off
"Why haven`t you been answering my pigeons?" -- Girlfriends in the 17th century probably
I don´t like to think of myself as "Special"... I think I would call me a limited edition.
people say i talk in my sleeep , but no one at work seems to notice
I have an oven with a "stop time" button. It´s probably meant to be "stop timer" but I don´t touch it, just in case.
Do you like me? Breathe for yes, lick your elbow for no.
I`m just a guy standing in front of a huge pile of laundry wondering how flammable it is.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
I can`t tell if I`m really nice but secretly an a$$hole or an a$$hole but secretly really nice.
My dog acts like her entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.
May all of us be as good looking/ beautiful as we look on our FB profile pic..
I suppose cougar is a better term than old whore.
Men use love to get sex. Women use sex to get love. I use coupons to get pizza.
For once I would like to see a horoscope that says, "You`re totally f*cked this month"