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Just curious, when pirates use text, IM or twitter, do they used emoticons` like .) .P .D or .( or do they try to fool us by using the two eyed ones?
Don’t tell me what to do unless you’re naked.
Was sitting, doing nothing. Then I realized I could be sitting and doing nothing on Facebook. So here I am.
Phrases I hope to avoid in my obituary: “skeletal remains,” “dumpster,” “almost beyond recognition,” “dental records” and “shallow grave.”
people say i talk in my sleeep , but no one at work seems to notice
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he`s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
Please respect the revolving door speed that has already been established.
Alcohol is like laxatives for constipated thoughts. The more you drink, the more sh!t that comes out your mouth.
I’m not a comedian. I don’t tell jokes. I just tell the truth in a way it sounds funny.
Have you ever just sat there and realized how weird you are?
L`oréal`s mascara makes your lashes 60% longer? Wow! They should make condoms.
A vegan friend on FB said if we had to kill our own food, we wouldn`t eat meat... I think if he had to build his own computer he couldn`t whine on FB.
....so then I said, "What gives YOU the right to judge ME?" And then he gets all, "Order in the court!" and starts pounding his gavel down...
Just found my TV remote and a newspaper in my fridge. It`s pretty awesome that society lets me live by myself.
You know it`s getting bad when the voices in your head start texting you