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Do you ever have the urge to tell someone to shut up even when they aren`t talking?
School taught me a lot of stuff, but the most useful was how to get ready in 15 minutes
My wife’s new cooking show will be called, "Do you smell Something Burning?"
I`m going to get one of those "My Family" stick figure decals for the back of my car. It`s going to be me, a bottle of whiskey, and a pizza.
363 shopping days `til Christmas and some people already have their lights up.
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
Oh no. I thought of a brilliant status to update while taking bath but by the time I got back to my phone I forgot it. This is why I hate taking a bath.
Why is it called tourist season if we can`t shoot them?
A clean house is the sign of a broken computer !
If you think buying condoms is awkward, try returning them...
If your girlfriend has $15 and you have $30, your girlfriend actually has $45.
I can eat a piece of pie without a plate or a fork what else should I write on this dating site profile?
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put music they don’t like on
Now that cell phones are becoming more and more waterproof, pretty soon it will be okay to push people into pools again...