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I wish "friends with benefits" meant your friends paid all of your bills.
We live in an era of smart phones and stupid people.
You can really scare someone when you yell "Peek-a-boo!". Especially when they`re trying on clothes in the fitting room.
Someone’s therapist knows all about you.
I`m growing a mullet to test our friendship.
Can I have a free unlimited day trial of being attractive?
Thanks to the popularity of gifs, we are living in the golden age of silent films.
This Tequila tastes like an afternoon of fun and bad decisions.
The liquor store clerk just wished me a merry Christmas as if she weren`t going to see me 7 more times before then.
I`ve had this ant farm for a year now and these lazy bastards still haven`t grown any crops.
If stress burned calories, I’d be a super model.
It’s so nice outside I should probably close the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen.
My facebook has been rated PG for Poor Guy
Whoever made up the saying "It`s the thought that counts" never got a pair of crocs for Christmas.
I think my phone has a Miley virus,It stopped twerking