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I`ll never understand those people who say, "I mainly use facebook for my family." And I`m thinking to myself..."Umm...isn`t that what real life is for?"
I like Tuesday, it rhymes with Boozeday...
I put a pair of boots in the bathroom stall at work so nobody else will use the stall that I like to use.
I wouldn`t be surprised if my kids think the phrase "goddamn douchebag" means someone who pulls out in front of your car without signaling.
FB friends, please let me know if you own one of those cool little Smart cars so I can unfriend you.
My mom just sent me a friend request on Facebook! Finally I can use that "I`m not your friend I`m your mother" speech to my advantage.
Screw you recommended serving size. You don’t know me.
Sometimes I`ll go out in public and socialize with people, those times are called alibis.
If guys were smart, they’d forget the nightclubs and watch the supermarket for girls who buy frozen dinners and cat food.
I fell asleep with infomercials playing on the TV.... I woke up with a strange desire to do P90X with a Shake Weight while in my Snuggie
To a cop, doing donuts in a parking lot has a whole different meaning.
If you try to pronounce “lmao” you sound like a french cat.
What idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
Revenge is best served to someone`s toothbrush.
`Google`` must be a woman, because it knows everything.