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Every woman in this world is beautiful...........except for the ugly ones!
Nothing says "I mean business" like bringing a shopping cart to the liquor store.
The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.
Couldn`t stop thinking about that drought on the west coast while I was watering my driveway today.
No, I would not like to know what fruit my body is shaped like.
I don`t want to be bothered with stupid $h!t today. What is stupid $h!t? Anything I don`t want to be bothered with.
Test drove a Jaguar today. Very fast but the ride was pretty bumpy and the saddle kept falling off. I also think he tried to bite me.
I have the worst case of morning sickness. No I am not pregnant, my body just rejects mornings.
I put the hot in psychotic.
I’ve learned to use meditation to handle stress. Just kidding, I’m on my third glass of wine.
Go home Polar Vortex....yer drunk.
If Monday was a movie, it would be very long and boring.
I`d be the stripper that got fired for eating her way out of the cake instead of jumping out of it.
Plumber: you have hard water. Me: you mean like ice?
I like to finish other people`s sentences because my version is better.