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You gotta hand it to blind prostitutes.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
That logical moment when you`re watching Home Alone 2 wondering how child services haven`t taken him away from his parents yet.
You can test my patience all you want, but I’m never going to pass.
If you speak too slowly, I will complete all your sentences in my mind in ways that makes your story much more interesting
Say what you will about women but I think being able to turn one sentence into a six hour argument takes talent.
I love how in movies when someone types a really embarrassing secret they always accidentally send it to the whole school, and they also coincidentally have the phone number of everyone.
When I die I want my body donated to science, but more specifically a scientist who is working on bringing dead guys back to life…
I spend more time looking in the fridge than I actually do eating.
It`s time to wave goodbye to winter. Guess what finger I`ll be using?
The best part about being over 40 is we did most of our stupid stuff before the internet.
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
If you’re a millionaire and you don’t have trampoline floors or a giant slide that goes from your bed to an olympic sized indoor pool then you should just give me all of your money because you’re wasting it
I`m getting tired of having to write "Sent from my iPhone" at the end of all my e-mails. Maybe I should just get an iPhone.
If you think husbands aren`t good listeners, whisper "Come here, I`m naked" from anywhere in the house and see what happens.