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While everyone may not speak the same language, we all know what time McDonald`s stops serving breakfast.
I`ll act my age when I`m 69..
Conspiracy theory for conspiracy theorists: Your conspiracy theories were planted by the government to distract you from real conspiracies.
Sorry, kids. It appears ninjas ate all of our Halloween candy.
The phrase, “Don’t take this the wrong way” has a zero percent success rate.
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
Car horns were invented 1% for safety and 99% because people get pissed off sometimes and need to let a mofo know.
Most people donate to the homeless. Me? I donate to the topless.
Nothing says "party" like a red plastic cup.
The worst thing that can happen when you invite someone over to "watch a movie" is actually watching a movie.
I could snap at any moment. Seriously, with either hand.
A lot of people don`t know this, but you can quietly like or dislike Obama.
I fold down my laptop screen very slowly at night so I don`t squish you guys.
Watching these gymnasts doing the balance beam is making me feel really bad about almost missing the couch.
I asked my girlfriend why she never tells me when she orgasms. She said she doesn`t like phoning me at work.