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If my statuses had a smell.. they would smell funny
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said "Die, Decepticons! Die!"
Do you really know me or am I just an idea that you`ve built in your head?
So my friend is mad at me because I slept with her ex. Her instructions were very clear when they broke up, she said "F*ck that guy!"
Marriage tip: Don`t
This is the third time someone in Liam Neeson`s family has been abducted, they really need to stop leaving the house.
I only call them yoga pants because Netflix and eat leftovers pants was too long.
My favorite beer is the next one.
How many HA’s equal a LOL? How about a LMAO? Is there a conversion chart somewhere?
I was told that I had an alcohol problem, but I think me and Captain Morgan have it figured out..
I get as much action as a white crayon.
Experience is what you get, when you don`t get what you want
You know nothing about a woman until she`s drunk and mad at you
The phrase "the truth shall set you free" does not apply to murder.
Breaking News: Viagra shippment stolen... Cops are looking for a gang of hardened criminals.