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New Rule: If I hold the door open for you and you walk by without thanking me I am guaranteed at least one attempt at trying to trip you.
Last night I saw a documentary about beavers. Best dam show I ever watched.
Checklist: Poke People ? Delete People ? Block People ? Send Friend Requests ? Accept Friend Requests ? Ignore Chats ? Make Stupid Photoshop Pics With My Face ?....Morning chores all done.
I never said I was better than everyone else, just better than you.
Freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door.
I was raised on the streets is more manly than saying I grew up watching Sesame Street.
I’m a pervert, but in a romantic way.
If there is enough room to spell `bootylicious` on the back of your shorts...it probably isn`t
It may appear like I`m doing nothing, but i`m actively waiting for my problems to go away!!!
Facebook is like my fridge… I know there is nothing there but I check it every 10 minutes anyways.
Don`t forget to get your hurricane glasses before looking at it.
Gently placing your finger on someone’s lips and saying, “Shh, not another word,” is super romantic but cops don’t seem to think so.
Being healthy is basically dying as slowly as possible
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned. She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.