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Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5`9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
Lazy Rule 47: If you spill water, it will eventually dry.
Soul mates are people with the mutual understanding that no one else will put up with their sh!t.
Forecast for tonight: Dark.
Some people should be ticketed for wearing spandex
I fail to understand the ‘good’ part of ‘good morning’
I know they didn`t ask for it, but I sent a stool sample in with my tax returns.
It`s shocking how much unhappiness is caused by the pressure to be happy.
Maths teacher: If you have 12 chocolates and you give 5 to Mary, 3 to Claire and 2 to Elizabeth then what will you get? Me: 3 new girlfriends.
It`s been discovered that 1% of the population is allergic to Gluten. The other 99% are sick and tired of hearing about it......
Marriage is a wonderful institution... but who wants to live in an institution?
Driving to work would be so much better if I didn’t always end up at work.
Why can`t someone look at me the same way I look at pizza?
Every time I see a pregnant woman, I very much want to ask if she swallowed a watermelon seed.
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.