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My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I`d have to stay away from carbs. So I`ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
Hooters should start a home delivery service and call it Knockers.
I took a poll recently, and 100% of strippers were angry they had nothing to dance on.
You`re from my dreams... Or nightmares. I can`t decide which.
Nothing is quite so annoying as to have someone go right on talking when you`re interrupting!
When does paying taxes get shut down? Asking for everyone with a job.
We`re all mature until someone pulls out bubble wrap.
There`s no panic like trying to press "End" when you make an accidental call.
Look for my new diet book: "How To Work Out And Watch What You Eat And Still Gain Plenty Of Weight"
If you are alone and feeling lonely, fart. Someone always walks in after you fart.
I can tell how productive I was at work by how much battery my cell phone has left when I leave.
When you wear cowboy clothes, are you ranch dressing?
I think I may be getting harder to love.
It`s 2013. With all the hormones in food and advances in medical technology, why are there still girls with less than C cup boobs?
I keep seeing all these commercial on TV about working out and getting "ripped" in 90 days.. Give me a bottle of Jack Daniels and I`ll get ripped in 15 minutes