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A stranger at Walmart just coughed in my face, so I`ve probably only got two, maybe three, days to live.
My kids think I`m uncool like I thought my parents where. Time to get even! ;)
Maybe it`s the washer and not the dryer that steals the socks.
My birthday is coming up. I dont like to think of it as getting older I like to think of it as experience points.
I don`t have mistletoe this year, so we`ll just have to kiss under the influence.
The package says "Do not eat raw cookie dough" but all I really see is "Pillsbury hates you and doesn`t want you to be happy."
Does "Can I take your order?" sometimes mean "Let`s start a new life together" or am I reading too much into this?
The only time I hit the panic button on my car keys is accidentally, and the only person who panics is me.
The human race is the only one that lets its idiots live a full life...
Not now, I`m busy bringing shame to my family on the internet.
I`m never free but I`m available.
Wouldn`t it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for 10 mins and come out wrinkle free and 2 sizes smaller...
Conversation between Adam and Eve must have been difficult at times because they had nobody to talk about.
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
I wonder who the first person was to see an egg come out of a chickens butt and think...`That looks tasty, I`m gonna eat that.`