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Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.
I thought we had something. You met my family, made us dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
Hair growing from my ears and nostrils doesn`t mean I`m getting old, right? Means I`m turning into a werewolf! Right?
April Fools Day has been cancelled this year.
The only thing I hate about beer is that there`s absolutely nothing I hate about beer... :)
A man asks a trainer in the gym: "I want 2 impress that beautiful girl , which machine can I use?" Trainer replies: "Use the ATM"
I kind of feel like getting some work done today, so I’m just going to sit here until that feeling passes.
I wish more of my handcuff stories involved sex instead of police officers.
You`re probably wondering how I post so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
Why do people say “nice to meet you” before I’ve even said anything? How do you know it’s nice to meet me? I’m a jerk.
Somewhere, right this minute, someone is reading this sentence.
I`m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it`s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I`m still better than you.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry until you`ve thought up a good excuse.
Apple and Blackberry should team up and make a phone called the Pie.
Marrying your high school sweetheart is like taking the banker`s first offer on Deal or No Deal.