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Marriage is just a 50 year long negotiation over thermostat settings.
I think pet shops should give a free laser pointer with every Cat purchase.
Just checked my Farmville for the first time in 2 years... It`s now a Walmart.
My Living Will says it`s okay to pull the plug on me, but I`d like them to at least try jiggling it a few times first.
If you are what you eat then where is this place that a ton of people are eating stupid?
God knew that there would be times that a single middle finger wouldn`t be enough.
Why is it that people who can eat really spicy food think the rest of us give a sh!t?
Try Zumba, It`s awesome ... on my way to the emergency room.
Fact: Turtles can breathe through their butts. And I thought I had bad morning breath.
I don`t blame Monday. I blame Saturday for not matching my Powerball numbers
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store clerk asked to come back soon?
My therapist recommended I quit growling at people...
Constantly losing socks in the laundry but finding change. So logically there has to be a sock fairy.
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody`s there to appreciate it.
Marriage teaches you forgiveness, compromise and tons of other things you wouldn`t need if you`d stayed single.