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"My phone`s about to die." -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call
Dear Mother-in-Law, Do not tell me how to handle my child, I am living with one of yours and he needs a lot of improvement.
Take mentos and freeze into ice cubes. Put the ice cubes in your friend’s drink. After five minutes their drink will randomly explode.
With the rise of self-driving vehicles, eventually there will be a country song about how your truck left you too.
Normal people scare me ... But not as much as I scare them. :)
I wish I could have the Price Is Right audience around whenever I`m making important life decisions.
I get a little nervous before saying Worcestershire sauce.
Ever had one of those days that you feel like you should have skipped the morning coffee and went straight for the booze?
I wish I could have the Price Is Right audience around whenever I’m making important life decisions.
Why is it that when you work very hard, you say you are working like a dog? Every dog I`ve ever known is lazy and sleeps 16 hours a day.
Helpful tip #12: Never buy all the tools you need to kidnap, kill and bury someone from just one store.
Best grilled cheese ever!! All I did was add a hamburger patty.
I`m great in bed" ~ breakfast
You´re never too old to learn something stupid.