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My favorite part of the day? The food part.
Dear liver…. Here is an advance sorry for tonight… sincerely Jimmy…
Don`t talk to me about hard times. My dog just licked the last piece of pizza.
went to the book store earlier to buy a Where´s Waldo book. When I got there, I couldn´t find the book anywhere. Well played Waldo, well played.
It should be socially acceptable to end any boring conversation by shouting "UNSUBSCRIBE!"
cuss words = sentence enhancers
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn`t improved since fourth grade.
I keep an identical glass of vodka next to the water on my bedside table for a refreshing morning game of Russian Roulette
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says "Please give me a hand" is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
I just threw up my weekend.
Every morning I swallow a piece of paper that says "Keep up the good work fellas!!" just in case I die and the doctors have to do an autopsy on me
People who really love their jobs are annoying. Keep that sh!t to yourself.
I don`t fear death... It happens to everyone. I just hope when I am dead and buried, I don`t vote Democrat.
I don`t understand interventions. What`s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
I’m glad to know that we will never have to worry about a lack of weathermen. I mean, I know at least a couple dozen on Facebook.