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Do not treat a woman like an object. It hates that...
iOS 8 let`s you passcode lock specific apps? It`s fun imagining how many break ups that will cause.
"I really should buckle down and get my rap album going"-Me, every time I drink
I wish I could just “like” a text so I don’t have to respond.
I’d be 100x more motivated if Samuel L. Jackson yelled at me to get things done.
Most computer problems are caused by a loose nut between the chair and the keyboard.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement. -Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90`s TV
That moment when you pour yourself a bowl of cereal and discover there`s no milk. So you just sit there, wondering why bad things happen to good people?
Sorry, I was not paying attention. I was thinking about having sex with you.
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn`t act the way he wanted.
A hypnotist is just someone that tries to roofie you with jazz hands.
I was voted `Most Paranoid` by my classmates at school. Although they never admitted it.
I keep a second pair of shoes at work, I don`t want people to recognize me when I`m pooping.
If we`re in a situation where I am the "voice of reason," then we are in a very very bad situation.
The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!