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The only way to open a pack of toilet paper is to fingerblast a hole through the plastic in one of the roll holes
Everyone has fitness goals and I’m over here like, if I burn this many calories I can eat a whole pizza.
Happiness, is just a liquor store away.
Your day sucked, huh? I`m sure Facebook would love to hear about it.
John has 35 candy bars. If John eats 27 of them what does he have? .... Diabetes. John has diabetes.
Don`t look at me in that tone of voice...
If I can see you, you`re invading my personal space.
I`m not leaving here without some kind of balloon.
I like when people call me "Sir". I just wish they wouldn`t follow it up with "you`re making a scene."
Car commercials make driving around in empty parking structures look fun and normal and not suspicious or kidnappy.
Don`t you just love it when you see someone who is photogenic, looks perfect in every picture but then when you see them in person you`re like EURGH God Damn! What happened to you in the last 24h!
Laptop speakers, too quiet for music, too loud for porn.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy. I came back drunk.
That awkward moment when you remember something funny, and can’t stop smiling like an idiot.
Apparently, the average person looks at their phone 150 times a day. Not me. I look at it just once. For about 12 hours.