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This time change has me all messed up. Driving with my hands at 11 and 3 is hard
Stumbled into bed late last night. "You`re drunk," she said. "Also, you live next door."
My coworker`s inspire me to drink on the job.
To all my Facebook friends. Have a happy St. Patrick`s day, and all the festivities this weekend. Stay safe, enjoy life, and if you by chance happen to find a bartender who is bad at math...give me a call :)
If you never set it, you always have the excuse, "I overslept because the alarm didn`t go off."
tried being normal. Didn`t like the feeling, so I`m going back to being ME.
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2.
The average man thinks about sex every tits seconds
When I asked if you had protection, pepper spray isn’t what I meant.
If I’m not eating I’m most likely not happy.
The bouncer from my local nightclub calls me Macauley Culkin because I always go home alone.
Someone once told me, “GO FOR BROKE” !! I’m happy to report that I succeeded…
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
I only party on 2 occasions. 1. When it’s my birthday 2. When it’s not…
I hope when Bruce Willis dies, it`s from a Viagra overdose. That way the headline can read "Bruce Willis Died Hard".