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It just dawned on me why Mayberry was so peaceful and quit, cause nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Ernest T Bass, The Darlins, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara. The only one married was Otis, and he stayed drunk!
I drive everywhere but for some reason my shoes still wear out, it’s like there’s just no reward for laziness.
Why must the phrase, "It is none of my business" always be followed by, "but"?
I`m going to test my theory that tequila kills the flu... Or brain cells... Whatever, doesn`t matter... something`s gonna die tonight.
You are here: X
"Trust your gut" is terrible advice. How can I put trust in something that tells me to eat an entire pizza when I get drunk?
Few things in life are more pleasurable than turning off the lights in a public bathroom while people are still inside
the `real` me doesnt do facebook
I can cope with voices in my head but the voices outside my head drive me crazy
If anyone is looking for an unlicensed helicopter pilot give me a call. . .
My fitness goal is just to get down to the weight that I lied about on my drivers license.
My girlfriend left the lights on, on her Smart Car last night. This morning I had to jump start it with my Android.
I have learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is easy and fun as hell. :)
You should never answer your phone during sex, particularly if it`s your wife calling.
When you`re a kid, it makes you feel proud when someone says "Wow! You`ve gotten so big since the last time I saw you!" As an adult, not so much.