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I told the monster in my closet that coming out of of there would make him gay, haha problem solved ....
Sometimes, I wish I could fast forward the time just to see if in the end it`s all worth it.
I`m working out my budget and, provided I don`t live past Tuesday, I can retire relatively comfortably!!!
You know what’s funny? Lot’s of sh!t. Loosen up already.
You look like I need another drink
You’re lucky that I’m so terrified of prison.
My mind says go to the gym but my heart says food.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
Boss just announced she is leaving early. What a coincidence. So am I.
I just missed winning the lottery by only 6 numbers.
If she burns the bacon, she`s no good bro
I don’t understand why drunk me always seems to have more money than sober me.
Personal trainer said we`re going to try some dips today. I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese...He hates me.
I thought we had nothing in common until I saw you buying 3 margaritas at a time.
Anyone who calls it a "day off with the kids"... Either has no kids or doesn`t know what "day off" means.