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Somewhere, a smart Lasik surgeon has an office full of brochures that are all slightly out of focus.
No matter how old you are, an empty Christmas wrapping paper tube is still a light saber.
I’m not shy, I’m holding back my awesomeness, so I don’t intimidate you.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
Do you ever watch a movie and realize you have to watch it again because you were on your phone the whole time?
Friend told me that on her strict new diet, she eats each meal naked in front of a mirror. I said would you like to come over for dinner?
The speed in which a woman says “nothing” when asked “what’s wrong” is inversely proportional to the severity of the sh!tstorm that’s coming.
Often, when I am reading a good book I stop and thank my teacher. Well, I used to. Until she got that restraining order.
Have you ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you´ve had?
Before you marry a person you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are.
I like how Sesame Street just casually has a vampire hanging around.
I already want to take a nap tomorrow.
When asked `What would you bring with you to a deserted island`, how come no one ever replies, `A boat.`?
is it too late to wrap myself up like a baby and drop myself off on a billionaire’s doorstep
*sigh* the cop at the front door is never a stripper when you need it to be