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For Valentine`s Day my wife wanted to.... well, you know. It started with her handcuffing me to the bed. And for three solid hours she watched whatever she wanted on television
They say when a man holds a woman’s hand before marriage, it is love, after marriage, it is self-defense.
Make sure your goals are unattainable so you`ll feel a little better about giving up later
A walk of shame is always sad. Don`t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
I`m pretty sure the phrase "Did I say that out loud?" is just a way of adding an exclamation point.
Unless otherwise stated, I have no idea what I’m talking about.
Some psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person`s confidence, but nobody in this park seems to appreciate it.
I`m about 0 for 300 in looking for safes behind wall paintings
I wish I could smack the stupid out of people. And if you think this status is about you ... Smack yourself for me!
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you don`t know the man & he doesn`t know you`re eating his popcorn
It’s only Wednesday and I’m 95% done with this week.
I tried to be a Rap Singer once. Sadly my rap album, `I Respect the Police & the Risks They Take to Keep My Community Safe`, didn`t do too well on iTunes.
FACT: There’s always room for another cupcake.
I`m honest, so when I say I took a "cat nap" that means that I slept for 18 hours and then pissed on your favorite shirt after I woke up.