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I got kicked out of the pool today ... apperently the breaststroke isn`t what I thought it was.
Pizza is my favorite winter activity
Ever notice how the automatic flush sensors in public restrooms kinda look like hidden cameras?
You can’t call them “love handles” if nobody loves you
I took a poll recently, and 100% of strippers were angry they had nothing to dance on.
When I`m sad, I sing...Then I realise my voice is worse than my problems.
How much do those guys who yell in the back of rap songs make? I could totally do that.
Why can`t the ice cream man just get a freakin liquor license already
Getting stuff out of my refrigerator is like playing Jenga.
Based on commercials, every single car has won car of the year.
Some people just bring out the psycho in me
Like if you remember the correlation between a pencil and a cassette tape ...
It`s a lot easier to chuck a co-worker in the dumpster than it is to listen to his problems.
Some people`s lives are like open books... Mine is like a trashcan without a lid.
People who over-exaggerate make me so mad that I just want to light everyone on fire.