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How do I tell my boss I don`t want to do work anymore but still want money.
one of the Olsen twins got married earlier today! when the fiance was asked "which one???" he replied "who cares???"
That awkward moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to Bounce of 3 walls, Knock over a lamp and kill a cat.
If Harry Potter is so magical then why can’t he fix his eye sight?
One of the major benefits of using a combined 2 in 1 shampoo/conditioner is having enough room leftover on the shower caddy for the beer.
Just used the holiday card with your kid`s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
Everyone knows spray tans and Tang come from the same stem cells as Cheetos, so why does Wikipedia keep deleting my edits?
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
Life would be so much more interesting if we all had cartoon bubbles over our heads.
My son got one of those `Stop Bullying` wristbands. he took it away from a fat little ginger kid.
This year rather than candy for your valentine why not liquor instead.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Next time I go to Hooters I`m ordering milk.
My credit card company says I have an outstanding balance. I was flattered.
A good friend will bail you out of jail. A great friend will be handcuffed next to you saying that was fun