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I bet Waldo`s parents are worried sick.
Teaching your own mother how to use Facebook is like willingly signing your own death warrant
Laughter is the best medicine. Unless you have diarrhea!
When a cashier asks if you have a rewards card, look down, sigh, and say, "My wife took everything when she left"
I love asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because I`m still looking for ideas.
I`m always on the verge of running three miles, or drinking a bottle of Vodka
If karma doesn`t hit you, I gladly will.
Half of life is screwing up…the other half is dealing with it.
Why would you live in a place where the air hurts your face?
The NFL has hired their first female referee ... She will be throwing flags for penalties the teams committed 5 years ago.
Somewhere out there is a guy named Joe whose greatest achievement is that he was a really sloppy eater.
If you`re going to be original, be prepared to be copied.
My internet was down for almost 4 mins,im ok but the 911 operator was a total b**ch about it!
Trying to remain humble but I’m the most famous person in my living room right now.
Will someone please tell ugly girls with small boobs that their opioion doesnt really matter.