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I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
Jealously is something you’re good at when you suck at everything else.
I enjoy shopping online because at least I don`t have to act all shocked when my credit card gets declined.
I`m confused, oh wait, maybe I`m not.
I`ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him the picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator: "Wtf Dude, you`re 23."
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
when humans are in love they get butterflys...dose that mean when butterflys are in love they get humans!! :)
I know it`s 3 meals a day,,,,,, But how many at night?
You haven`t truly made it on YouTube until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
All I`m saying is if I`m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake a whole relationship.
If I`m in a public bathroom and someone else in that same bathroom is on the phone and states that they are ANYWHERE ELSE, I flush my toilet
The only thing instant glue sticks to instantly is fingers.
When finding someone to date, drinking compatibility is more important than you think.
If you Google the word `overreacting` there`s a picture of me using a fire extinguisher on a spider.