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I don`t ever need to go sky diving or bungee jumping. Leaving a pizza in the oven while I make a quick run to Walgreens is about all the adrenaline rush I can handle.
Wisdom is understanding that a tomato is a fruit, but you don`t add it in a fruit salad.
Love is like hearing your favorite song for the first time. Then listening to it over and over again till you hate that song.
Gravity is a real downer.
Behind every great woman there is a man who loves doggystyle.
Please do not read this.
I stamp my hand on Saturday morning so it looks like I went out on Friday night.
I`m not saying your house is haunted, but I think a ghost just ate all of your Gummy Bears while you were in the bathroom.
I overheard this guy bragging about his fancy hotel sweet. Ptttsht. They are nothing but cheap a$$ mints!
I saw a spider in my bathtub. So I took a tissue and very, very carefully, burned the house down.
To save time, lets just assume I am never wrong ;)
I really think there should be a separate driving lane for those of us running solely on caffeine and rage.
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
When we married, she treated me like a God. As time went by, the letters got reversed
tell your boobs to stop staring at my eyes