Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
My spouse thinks I`m crazy. But I`m not the one who married me.
I`m pretty sure whoever coined the phrase " rise and shine", doesn`t do it anymore.
I don’t understand how people have to “get ready for bed”…I’m always ready for bed.
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very real.
When I`m bored I like to dress in a grim reaper costume and stand across the street from the nursing home and wave at the old folks.
Hell hath no fury like your kid catching you throw away ANYTHING, EVER. I smuggle out broken crayons like a Mexican drug lord..
If by “clubbing” you mean eating club sandwiches then yeah I’m pretty into the club scene.
Those who tell you not to run with scissors are just trying to steal your scissors. Run.
A court date is still technically a date, right?
Some days, the supply of available curse words is insufficient to meet my demands.
My wife told me I have to quit playing poker all the time but I think she`s bluffing...
Just ran across a great dessert recipe...Cut up some bananas, apples & oranges in a bowl. Add fresh squeezed lime juice. Then toss it in the trash and eat a cheesecake.
Nobody expects you to post brilliance. Just be yourself, with the occasional intent of bringing shame to your entire family.
No one on Earth has a higher tolerance to cold temperatures than someone who wants to smoke a cigarette.
Of course I know right from wrong. Wrong is the fun one.