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Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I`m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God, I could be eating a slow learner...
I`ve created a shoe made out of Legos, so when you step on Lego it doesn`t hurt. You just get taller.
Netflix is soo much better than going out and pretending to like people.
Yes we`re friends on facebook but that`s where it ends, stop trying to talk to me in real life... mom
As long as everything is exactly the way I want it. I`m totally flexible.
Sorry, I didn’t get your message because I deleted it without listening.
"2 weeks with my baby xoxoxo" lol,calm down romeo&juliet.
I paid attention to the construction signs and got in the correct lane. You ignored them for miles and now you want me to let you in. Not gonna happen.
If “dress for the job you want” were true, there would be a lot more people wearing capes.
Anyone know how to get a red wine stain off a baby? asking for a friend
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were texting all night with a calculator.
As you get closer and closer to the end of this status, I think it`s important that you lower your expectations.
Testing shows that people in the USA know less about geography than England, Japan and like 100 other countries I`ve never heard of.
If stress burned calories, I’d be a super model.
Tonight I’m trying to get to that happy place right between don’t know my own name and head in the toilet.