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I`m going to make a bucket list: Things I`m going to do before I kick the bucket. Number 1: WEAR SHOES!!!
Grab the bull by the horns. The other end is too gross...
You’re going to make some cats very happy one day.
Lazy fact #128540162, You were too lazy to read that number.
I would exercise, but then all the sprinkles would fall off my cupcake.
I think my problem is that I have really fantastic bad ideas...
If you win a years supply of calendars, you would only win 1 calendar.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
Is Google a boy or a girl? Obviously it`s a girl because it won`t let you finish your sentence without suggesting other ideas
Divorce: Step 1: She throws all your sh!t in the street Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
Just picked the remote up off the floor with my feet while lying on the couch, so I guess today was leg day...
Facebook reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, `Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?`
Me in a shopping mall: "I like that stuff" *looks at pricetag* "i don`t like it anymore"
I don`t always do a lot, but I put a lot of thought into it.