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My dog acts like his entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.
You never really know a woman, until she takes you to court.
They say that nobody is perfect, then they say that practice makes perfect. I wish they`d make up their mind
Wish my girlfriend was awake, could really do with a sandwich right now.
If I throw a stick will you leave?
Arguing politics is like trying to convince someone that their baby isn`t cute.
With all the technology available now, you’d think they’d have found a way to grow apples without those little stickers.
I remember when downloading a song meant trying to tape it off the radio while hoping the DJ didn´t talk over the song.
It turns out if you cry at the DMV they`ll let you take a second photo
exercise........you mean extra fries
How do you spot a blind man at a nude beach? It`s not hard.
Is it just me that finds it disturbing that you can accidentally make a baby but you can`t accidentally make a pizza?
The worst part of quitting drinking is how few excuses you have for your behavior
I think I’m going to take a hot shower. It’s like a normal shower, but with me in it…
Sorry I`m late, my alarm didn`t go off, because I didn`t set it ... because I don`t like coming here