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I am not available because I am looking at porn that takes up the whole computer screen
It’s a good thing not everyone has a smartphone. Someone has to honk when the light turns green.
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous ... You`re practically begging for typos.
All bad decisions are ultimately made using the same piece of resounding logic: “Screw it.”
I can’t wait until I get that job at Starbucks because I’m going to spell everyone’s name wrong so they can’t instagram their cups.
Do you ever get the feeling that you`re being watched? Because if it`s bothering you, I`ll stop.
Cake and pie can’t compete. If you put candles in a cake it’s birthday cake. Put candles in a pie and someone’s drunk in the kitchen.
Sometimes when it rains I go outside with a cocktail umbrella and pretend I`m a Giant.
A nice kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you. So I popped his balloon with my cigarette and told him so was talking to strangers.
My beard itches, Web MD: Beard cancer
Gaining weight while you owe me money is a sign of disrespect.
Of course I like you, I gave you that roofie didn`t I?
I just realized that I haven`t done the "Hockey Pokey" in over 10 years. I guess when you get older, you just forget what it`s all about.
There are weight limits on car seats, airlines, skydiving, military, horseback riding, kayaks, and bikes……how is it there are no weight limit on high heels?
Dropped my son off for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you`re supposed to pick them up?