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Damn boy! Are you a slinky? Cause I wanna wanna push you down a flight of stairs, then kick you when you stop halfway to the bottom.
Never judge a man ’till you’ve driven a mile with his wife.
I`m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
Why can’t the shower just naturally keep itself clean?
This pizza looks like a pie chart of 100% good news.
I don’t need a reason to do stupid things, just a venue.
Is snaxting a thing? Texting each other pics of your snacks? Cause I feel like I’d be pretty good at that.
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don`t get married. If you are over 35, don`t get married. If you are 35, don`t get married.
Dr. Seuss could have been the greatest rapper ever.
Oops, just bought vodka instead of milk again
Society: Be yourself. Society: No not like that
Maybe don`t show me a picture if you don`t want me to rate your baby.
I will be thoroughly disappointed if the first human born on Mars isn’t named Marvin.
Did you ever wonder why the cat was in the bag in the first place?
My therapist keeps saying that I should really stop talking to inanimate objects.....but he`s a lamp...what does he know....