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I`m an outdoorsy kind of guy, I like to drink beer outdoors
I`m sorry I got salsa on your baby, and I`m extra sorry I scraped it off with a chip
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions
Fun thing to do: Go to a parking lot and put sticky notes on peoples cars saying "sorry for the damage" and watch them look for it
I hide my vodka in orange juice
Psycho and socio have always been my favorite paths.
I`m celebrating 1 year of sobriety today ... I think it was 1989 ... Cheers!
Some Facebook friends are like ghost you dont see them but you know their there
I haven`t talked to my wife in three weeks. I didn`t want to interrupt her.
I thought about exercising all day long. I am so exhausted.
I find the best way to get rid of headaches is to send them either to their rooms or outside to play.
It’s been “one of those days” for like 3 years now.
Ban pre-shredded cheese! Make America grate again.
I will vote for Donald Trump just to hear him tell Obama he`s fired!!
I can`t wait til the Presidential race ends so we can stop hating people for their politics and go back to hating people because they`re jerks