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My wife said she expects the house to be clean by the time she walks in the door so I changed all of the locks.
I had the urge to clean my place today so I laid down until the urge went away.
Is there a way to politely throw breathe mints in someone`s mouth while they`re talking?
If there are ice cream trucks in the summer, why aren`t there hot chocolate trucks in the winter?
Who me? Oh I`m just waiting for my husband to apologize for something I did wrong...marriage is fun
There are no problems which cannot be solved through suitable applications of high explosives.
I’d get a lot more sleep if I didn’t insist on reading the entire internet every night.
When someone tells me I`m going to hell, I`m like "yeah, duh, I work there part time as a tour guide!"
People who describe things as "better than sex" are obviously having the wrong kind of sex.
There`s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it`s only lettuce :(
Very little scares me. So does very big.
When I ask a girl I like why she and her ex broke up and she says "we just didn`t work out" I already know I have no chance since I hate working out
Struggling to get your wife`s attention?.....just sit down and look comfortable.
Just signed a $320,000, nine year deal with my therapist.
Next on SportsCenter: Where is Tim Tebow watching the Super Bowl and how will that impact the game?