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I would order delivery more often, but I just can`t stand lowering the drawbridge.
Someone asked me why I use the "F" bomb so much. What the F*ck is an "F" bomb?
Wow! Sit-Downs are way easier than Sit-Ups!
I’m late for a disappointment.
Eat whatever you want,and if anyone tries to lecture you about your weight ...Eat them too..!
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn`t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat...
Do you guys know there are "actual" people out there that don`t have a Facebook account? What the hell do they do all day?
Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
If you need me I`ll always be stuck behind the person who doesn`t know how to use the CVS self-checkout aisle.
Is anyone else`s alcohol tolerance too high for their paycheck?
Why doesn`t someone invent a clear toaster? Then you could see how toasted your toast is while it`s toasting.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theater but they won’t let me use their microwave.
If it lasts 4 hours I`m not only callin a Dr, I`m callin everybody!!
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody`s there to appreciate it.
A murderer was about to be put to death in the electric chair. "Do you have any last requests?" asked the chaplain. "One," he replied. "Will you hold my hand?"