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Happiness comes from within. That’s why it feels good to fart.
Seeing a spider isn`t a problem. It becomes a problem when the spider disappears.
Why fall in love when you can fall asleep?
My friends are the kind that would flirt with the fireman while my house was burning down.
Scientists are dumb. A meteor didn`t kill the dinosaurs. I`ve been to the museum. It`s obvious they starved to death.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with "I got the live bees you sent, they`ll do nicely"
With all the technology available now, you’d think they’d have found a way to grow apples without those little stickers.
Never do anything that you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics.
So I met an Egyptian, they walk just like us.
Can’t wait till I’m old and I can play the ‘fall asleep’ card in awkward situations.
I just found out that his full name is actually, Vehicle Identification Number Diesel.
Two can play that game...` -people who dont understand that`s how games usually work
Unless life also gives you sugar and water, your lemonade`s gonna suck!
I met a guy exactly like my father so I brought him home and my mom shot him.
I think a clear conscience is really just memory loss