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Sometimes I wish I could appear offline in real life too
I don`t necessarily enjoy being the bad influence...but hey, somebody has to do it!
Your secrets are safe with me, because I probably wasn’t listening to begin with.
I really like compliments but I don`t want anyone talking to me...
My wife went home to visit her mother today. Or as I refer to it. Her “bitch refresher course”.
Facebook should just change it`s name to "People You May Want to Avoid."
When Life rains on your parade, get out the Slip-n-Slide.
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes. I was 12.
Doc: ``Hows your headache ?`` Me: ``She`s at home``
Always envied the kids who showed up to school with their 64 count Crayola crayons. If I wanted Burgundy or Salmon I had to ask in shame.
The most impressive thing about how cowboys used to have showdowns at high noon is that they could get two people to be on time to something
No matter how many gross facts you tell me about McDonald’s I’m still gonna eat it.
I bet if you asked a one-eyed person, they`d tell you it really WAS all fun and games up until that point.
Trivia - It turns out that Alexander the Great was not all that great. But in those days, nobody had the guts to call him Alexander the SO-SO
When a woman asks you for your opinion all she really wants to hear is her opinion repeated word for word but in your voice.