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My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it`s there to stab potential taco thieves.
I`m one more bottle of wine away from starting a blog.
According to Facebook, some people I don`t remember are grilling this weekend.
Person: You`re blocking the view. Me: B!tch, I am the view!
The ultimate act of trust is buying your spouse a gun, and then showing them the correct way to use it.
My internet went down last week...so I talked to my family....thank goodness the internet came back
Has it ever occurred to optimists and pessimists that the glass is refillable?
How many decades of knowing someone before it`s rude to ask what their name is?
Whoever said "sticks and stones may break your bones but words will never hurt you" has obviously never been hit with a dictionary.
I knew we were gonna be friends when you ran into that wall.
Apparently "whiskey and wild women" is not an acceptable answer when asked what your weaknesses are during a job interview.
Never take a Chess enthusiast to a restaurant with checkered tablecloths!……It’ll take them an hour to pass the salt!
When people ask me for advice, I tell them, “Use your best judgment,” which they clearly don’t have if they are asking me for advice.
"YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?" I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
Trying to remain humble but I’m the most famous person in my living room right now.