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The best part of time travel will be sleeping until noon and making it to work on time at 8am.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER... USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN...
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
I`ve just invented an invisibility cloak; anything under it is rendered completely invisible. I`m still working out the kinks; you can still see the cloak itself
When people introduce themselves to me for the first time, I tell them, “Yes, we’ve met before.” So they feel awkward trying to remember me.
I sent that "Ancestry " site some information on my family tree. They sent me back a packet of seeds and suggested that I just start over
My husband told me that in some cultures women do all the housework, so I told him in some cultures blow jobs don`t exist. He`s vacuuming
Why is it when you have a day off you seem to bounce out off bed at 6am, but the days you go to work, it takes a forklift and 2 sticks of dynamite to separate me from my pillow??
How awesome would it be if boobs made maraca sounds when you shook them? LOL
My boss was all, "Do you know why I called you to the office, " and I was like, "I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom."
I ordered a new GPS unit, but it got lost in the mail.
Ladies, wonder if he`s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
Do you have neighbors?.. Do you have extension cords?..... Are you paying too much for electricity?
Going to Target. See you in about two hundred bucks...
It’s not pretty being easy.