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Guinness for breakfast because its Ireland somewhere.
I hate to admit it, but I’ve got a serious drinking problem. I don’t have any more money to buy liquor.
If you go shopping at Walmart and no one stares at you as you walk by, you`re one of them.
Sometimes not being in control is the most awesome feeling in the world.
A lie is just a great story that someone ruined by telling the truth.
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
Life would be so much more interesting if we all had cartoon bubbles over our heads.
Hey bartender, pour me another, I see ugly people.
I`m still trying to get over the fact that oranges are pre-sliced by nature.
I`m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
I think I may have just inadvertently accomplished something!!!
I just fell down the stairs holding a guitar and accidentally wrote a One Direction song.
I would like to learn one of those clicking languages from Africa because I get the feeling my knees are trying to tell me something.
It`s kind of funny how as you get older, you start enjoying things that you hated as a kid, like taking naps and getting spanked.
The sooner one of you ladies takes ‘one for the team’ and becomes my girlfriend, they sooner I leave the REST of you alone!