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Talked to someone in person today....what a pain in the a$$ that was!
I`d feel totally comfortable dating a zombie because I`d know she loved me for my brains and not just my body.
I`m just a guy struggling to find the appropriate level of inappropriateness for every social interaction I`m unlucky enough to be a part of
Stalking is such a strong word. I perfer the term surveillance expert.
GIRLS: To make a guy panic, simply ask, " Notice anything different?`... works EVERY time
I have to hand it to people who lead a double life ... I can barely handle the one I have.
Scientists are adding an extra second to the year 2015. Yeah. Here`s the bad news. You just wasted it reading this post.
Being normal? Ugh. I can`t imagine how awful that must be.
Even though I`m only 29, I know I`m going to die a bitter, lonely, miserable old man ... I`m married.
I spend so much time on the internet, that the priest pronounced us husband and wi-fi.
“Hey baby, do you smell that?” “No.” “Me neither, start cooking.”
When you say "9 out of 10 forest fires are caused by humans." All I hear is "there`s a bear out there that knows how to use matches."
Buying an airline ticket is like paying shipping and handling for yourself.
I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and then six months later you have to do it all over again.
If you need Facebook to remind you it`s your wife`s birthday, I hope you own a comfortable couch.