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The only thing I`m really learning from this 401K meeting at work this morning is that I`ll probably never be able to retire.
I do not have commitment issues... I`ve been buying the same brand of vodka for 8 years!
You’d think “attractive neighbor leaves curtains open” would appear in more real estate listings.
I just noticed me saying "LOL" everytime I`m laughing = facebook addict...lmao :)
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn`t hand out drugs.
Today is International Women’s Day. It was actually supposed to be held 2 days ago but they took too long to get ready.
It`s possible you drank too much if you have to wait until your court appearance to find out what the hell happened that night
Every load of laundry that I wash, dry, fold, and put away makes nudists seem less crazy.
My 12 step program means parking closer to the bar.
Wow, I just melted a piece of ice by staring at it. Took a little longer than I thought it would.
My boys cleaned out my car and now my change is missing. Little do they know, it costs exactly $3.63 to turn our wifi back on.
I can’t believe that all these “single ladies in my area” want to meet me, must be due to all the “free Ipads” I’ve been winning.
Rump roast is called rump roast because nobody would eat it if it was called cow`s ass
Didn`t have to do much to end my last relationship...she first told me that "opposites attract"...then a couple of days later she told me i was handsome, kind, smart, funny and loving...
Nothing good ever came from drinking things that are on fire.