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is pretty sure there´s a lot more to life than being really, really, ridiculously good looking...And I plan on finding out what that is.
My RSVP : I`ll be attending your wedding alone but consuming enough cake and alcohol for at least two.
Now it`s too hot to take down the outdoor Christmas lights.
The problem with this generation boils down to this one thing: Their cartoons suck.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there`s a home invasion the intruder will think I`m part of the team.
I just got a paper cut opening a box of Pop Tarts. There will be no more fancy breakfasts around here.
Sometimes one middle finger isn`t enough to let someone know how you feel. That`s why we have two hands.
When I order pizza online, in the "Special Instructions for the Driver" box, I put "Tell me I`m a pretty princess".
Stop calling them rednecks. The term is NASCAR-Americans. Y`all.
If you didn`t want me looking in your bedroom than you never should have put your window at the same height as my ladder.
You don`t have to drink to have fun... Just have fun drinking!
If I ever get arrested I am going to ask for a status update instead of a phone call.
The problem with money is too much of it belongs to people who aren’t me.
Her: Do you want to run away with me? ME: We won`t actually be running, right?
Noise canceling toilets should be a thing.