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Sometimes I lie awake at night and ask "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "Oh dear, this is going to take more than one night."
I`m ashamed of what I did for a Klondike bar.
Apparently, I did not use enough a$$hole repellent today
I just got off the couch and I think I accidentally did yoga or some $hit.
TEIAM - problem solved
If you think the things I say out loud are bad, you should hear the things I keep to myself.
I`m changing my facebook username to NOBODY so that way when people post crappy posts, and i press the like button it will say NOBODY likes this
Asking a guy, "Are you done with that?" & pointing to his girlfriend, is frowned upon. Apparently.
If it’s the thought that counts, then I should probably be in jail
If you can´t read this, you´re illiterate.
I think that work and microwave minutes are longer than regular minutes.
Pumpkin for sale! [slightly used]
If you ring my door bell you better be the pizza guy or a sexy naked lady ... with a pizza.
The person before me got $0.57 worth of gas. My day doesn`t seem so bad now.
I bet the Fantastic 4 were just pretending to have a girl in the group. "Uh yeah she`s just invisible right now. She`s totally real though."