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The first order of business for the 115th Congress: blaming everything on the 114th Congress.
Hey NSA, we all know you`re there now. So click the approve on my Candy Crush ticket request.
**TORNADO WARNING** Everyone head to Giants Stadium. Safest place to avoid a touch down.
Happy July 22nd! Today isn’t a holiday, but you’re alive and well, so why not celebrate?
So....if the cup is only half full....I suggest buying a smaller bra
the ulitmate moment is when your identical twin says your ugly
Oh, you have a brand new boyfriend? Please tell me more about how you think he`s `the one`.
You know you`re old when you come close to shaving your nipple off while trying to shave your legs!
Of course the Pilgrims had a lot to be thankful for, all their in-laws were back in Europe.
I hate being bipolar, it`s great .
There`s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed...
It`s amazing how much more money I have when I`m drunk.
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream.
I only say "bless you" twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume it didn`t take and you`re a demon who must be destroyed.
Pretty impressed at petrol station today, as i was filling up, i heard woman with truck at next pump say is that Vin Diesel, I smiled, then realised she meant Van Diesel :-/