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Instead of cleaning my house I just watch an episode of hoarders and think " Wow my house looks great"
Today is one of those “yeah, I’m not getting anything done” kind of days.
All things being considered......half of your friends are below average.
Unless you fell off the treadmill and smacked your face, nobody wants to hear about your workout.
There`s an emoji for eggplants but not for popcorn and this is why trusting people isn`t just hard, it`s impossible.
Do one thing every day that scares you. Or one thing that scares other people.
You think your life is bad? I’ve got that “Five dollar foot long” song stuck in my head
Always thought the 4 words I never wanted to hear from my wife was "I want a divorce". Turns out its actually, "What is your password".
I wish I had my own private chauffeur. . . . Then I could really commit to being an alcoholic!
In order to get my teenagers attention I shut off the WiFi router and wait for them in the room it`s in.
Thanks for the free weekend offer E-Harmony but my wife said I can`t use it.
Are you reading this from a toilet? I`m writing this from one.
When I ask a girl I like why she and her ex broke up and she says "we just didn`t work out" I already know I have no chance since I hate working out
I`m always right. And when I`m not, I edit Wikipedia.
This day will end with either wine or shopping. Probably both.