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Wow!!, What a day..I volunteered at a soup kitchen, mowed my lawn, went to 2 Birthday parties, ran 6 miles, then told a bunch of lies on Facebook.
There were only 3 commandments until Moses’ wife got involved.
Wait, there`s a "wrong hole"?
I bet Snowmen think it`s weird that the ground is completely covered in their skin.
What if cell phones are part of an elaborate plot to rid the world of phone booths so Superman has nowhere to change?
Walking past a new employee`s desk & yelling, "Do you think it`s a good idea to be surfing porn on your first day?" will never get old.
I hate it when I’m singing along to a song, and the artist gets it wrong.
Pointing out the food you just dropped on the floor to your dog because you`re too lazy to clean it.
Never trust a married guys opinion of who’s hot. It’s like asking a starving guy what food tastes good.
Dear vegetarians, thanks for saving all the good food for us.
What do you call an alligator wearing a vest? An investigator. Hahaha I’m so sorry. No I’m not.
I hate when the remote is way over there
Better late than pregnant.
It is impossible to simultaneously keep up a) hope and b) with the Kardashians.
If you’re telling me to relax, it’s probably your fault that I’m not.