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Unless you discovered a dead body, I don`t want to hear about your morning jog.
Good judgement comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgement
Boss: Where`s the progress report I asked u for. Me: I haven`t made any progress, that`s my report! - What I imagine it`d be like if I had a job
Why doesn’t McDonalds have an order taking microphone on both sides of the car, yet?
Roses are red, Facebook is blue, no mutual friends, who the F#%K are you?
When I`m on my death bed, I want my last words to be...."I left 10 million dollars in the..........."
I have a million dollar idea that I will share with the first million people to send me a dollar.
I have an amazing psychic ability to find objects just before people lose them. Unfortunately, the police call it theft.
Women are angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we continue to fly…on a broomstick. We’re flexible that way.
If you`ve had cats, the singles virus may already be inside you.
Who is the genius that decided Little League uniforms be white? My guess is Tide laundry detergent.
is not rude...I just wasn`t taught to politely pretend to be nice to people I can`t stand.
AWESOME!
I carry a knife, but it`s just in case of cake.
Just backed into a Jaguar but I left him a note on my bank statement so he knows not to bother calling